I am Waiting for a Cake To Bake or I Would Be In Bed By Now

In the time that I have been spending making chocolate cupcakes (successful!) and chocolate cake in a loaf pan (still cooking!) I have developed a theory explaining the problem with the Grammy awards (and awards shows in general.)

You see, there is a special enclave in Karznukclimac where the treasured gnomes of the outer Karznukclimac alps gather to plan awards shows and because they grew up without proper socialization, their gnome sensibilities are very delicate and no one has the heart to tell them they are a little too Celine Dion playing the suburban casino, a little too glitter-on-your-pancakes-on-a-monday-morning. I am thinking, though, that all gnomes gotta grow up sometime. What would Dr. Phil say? Dr. Phil would tell the gnomes to thicken their skins and get over it. Maybe, gnomes, there could be fewer guests at the Grammy’s (think “quality” not “quantity”) and then you wouldn’t have to contrive idiotic ways to get 15 people on stage at a time.

Here’s how we started off this evening:

Alicia Keys: great singer.
Frank Sinatra: great singer.
Alicia Keys + Frank Sinatra (dead) = too much, gnomes. Too much.

Foo Fighters: I like them.
+ Some orchestra: Sounds like a nice orchestra
+ Former Led Zeppelin member conducting the orchestra: OK….
+ Random winner who gets to sit on stage and smell Dave Grohl’s pits: Um.

Could you have stopped back at the Foo Fighters part? The screaming. I like the screaming.

PS: Dave Grohl has crossed a line from dirty-sexy to just dirty and I am sad.

No, there’s MORE!

The Beatles: yeah yeah greatest band whatever.
+ Some movie about The Beatles: apparently very successful.
+ Cirque du Soleil: not to my taste
= circus people with umbrellas on their heads riding unicycles to movie-inspired Beatles music.

Also, in case you missed it, Fergie is shorter than Ringo Starr.

Also also, I think Kanye West is the honourary king of the gnomes of the outer Karznukclimac alps. With his jacket scrolling blinking lights, his white sunglasses and his shaved head proclaiming “MAMA” (I think – all I could see is MA), he is definitely the idiot / child / genius we are not allowed to take aside and make over. Maybe his next album could be called “I am my own worst parody.”

Mercifully little Nickelback, though. That particular hell seems to have passed. Time to check the cake again while I listen to Alicia Keys duet with John “I’m not boring, you are” Mayer on big balls guitar solo.

…oh, thank god. Good night.