Stay-Ups: A Review

It is now February and winter shows no signs of abating (though Saint Aardvark’s parents have returned to Ontario this morning so perhaps our normal, mild winter is waiting in the wings? I mean after the current slush fest is done, of course). As my clothing is increasingly limited to over-the-head items rather than around-the-waist items and I am wearing a lot of not-pants, my not-pants must be accompanied by some kind of leg-covering.

But leg-coverings of the sock variety don’t go high enough for my short, tarty dresses.

And leg-coverings of the tights variety are, by necessity, held in place by a waistband. Even the maternity tights, which are regular tights with less tightness focused in the belly area. The ones I own are comfortable, yes, but they are from my first pregnancy and need refreshing after every wear, else they sag most irritatingly around the knees.

Oh, I got problems all right. You don’t even know.

And so it came to be that a couple of weeks ago I was at a department store and, unable to find maternity tights for sale, came across the thigh-high stay-ups. These are, of course, stockings that, using a thick band of elastic, cling to the thigh like a koala to a eucalyptus tree

The last pair of stay-ups I owned was when I was in my early 20s. I don’t remember why I bought them. I think I thought they were sexy. They cut off my circulation and left horrible red welts in my skin. And I weighed about 80 pounds less then than I do now.

However, you can’t win if you don’t play so I bought the stay-ups and wore them today. I was pleased to note that great leaps have been made in the comfort of the thigh elastic. I was delighted to not have to massage my thighs all day to keep the blood flowing (I am sure most of my co-workers were also glad for this). And I love love loved that I had absolutely nothing over my belly that dug, tugged or otherwise impeded baby hippo’s hourly calisthenics.

Near the end of the day, after a bunch of trips up and down from my desk, I noticed that the left stay-up was sagging a big low. I yanked it up. I walked to the elevator to leave the office. It sagged. I yanked it up. I walked to the station and by the time I reached the train, I had one stay-up up and one stay-up down. My left knee was suddenly very cold.

I tend to overestimate how much attention people are paying to me. Partly this is because I am an only child and partly it is because I am ultra-observant of other people and assume that other people are too. I would have noticed that some gigantic pregnant woman at the bus stop had one of her thigh-high stockings drooping over the top of her boot. But no one looked at me at all. They all just kept squinting at the slush falling from the sky and waiting for their buses.

When I finally arrived home and removed my boots, I noted that the cursed left stay-up had also acquired a run. Also, my legs are currently in giant, marathon-running pain from my toes to my buttocks. I am blaming the stockings.

Final score, stay-ups: 6/10

Next step: go to that website with the socks that Arwen was all het up about last year. And maybe get these ones.