The 13th Circle of Hell

In the wasteland of television programming that is a weekday afternoon, this afternoon I came across the country music video station. I stopped at this channel because the woman with the big white hat, Terri Clark – the reason I know that is far too long to go into now – was starting up a song and the words were being printed across the bottom of the screen. I got distracted by her shockingly high-waisted jeans and the line “I suppose I could call you / but then I would miss Donahue” scrolling past and I thought, “Hey is DONAHUE back on? Where’s that?” but then I thought maybe it was an old song – yes, that would explain the high waisted jeans and the ’80s TV reference – but I couldn’t read the little circle on the bottom of the screen that told me what show it was so I leaned forward a little, I didn’t actually want to get off the couch, and then I saw it read “Big 12 Karaoke” and then the next song started, again with the lyrics printed on the screen and with a sinking feeling I realized I recognized the song because SA likes to torture me by playing the country radio station on weekend mornings.

I know. I should really remove his head, shouldn’t I.

This song pissed me off the first time I heard it, for purely aesthetic reasons. First verse:

“I’ve been watching you
Watchin every girl in the bar
Payin no attention to the one on your arm
You’re a dog
Man, she’s smokin
I’ve seen your kind before
And you think you’re so cool
This country boy’s gonna take you to school
Hold out your hand
No man, I ain’t jokin”

annnnd, chorus:

“And hold my beer
While I kiss your girlfriend
Cause she needs a real man
And not a boy like you-ou
Hold my beer
Yeah I”m a man on a mission
You don’t see what you’re missin
But I do, so here
Hold my beer”

annnnnd, 2nd verse:

“Well friend I wouldn’t blame you
If you wanted to fight
If you wanna later we can take it outside
But for now
Do me a favour”

…and then we’re back to the chorus. You see? The first verse is twice as long as the second (and third) verse (s). That means we get to listen to this cocky fuck sing “Hold my beer” 80 quadzillion more times! Yay! I know – it’s a bar song, a drinking song, a “your woman sings it to you when she is playfully mad at you but not mad enough to find someone else to date, just mad enough to lip sync and make everyone laugh” song. But it is structurally unsound and it makes me hurt.

Not to mention the noxious content because it’s a pop song and what do I expect.

But today when Big 12 Karaoke played it, they added insult to insult to injury and actually printed
“Hold my beer / while I kiss you’re girlfriend” complete with INCORRECT SPELLING not just once but every single time we heard the chorus, which, as you may recall from the previous paragraphs, is a HELL OF A LOT.

So I turned off the TV. Because watching the world get stupider by leaps and bounds is not how I want to spend the rest of my day off. I have chocolate to consume and naps to take.