Mysteries

I forgot my book this morning. I am reading The Stone Angel by Margaret Lawrence and it’s so good I took it up to bed to read last night and forgot to put it back in my bag this morning. On the morning commute it’s okay because I have a notebook and I can easily spend the hour scribbling things like “maybe I should go to yoga classes…it doesn’t seem right that I can’t turn my head to the left…I should get a haircut….or maybe just get it dyed…hmmmm sure am tired” but on the way home my brain is fried from all the pieces of paper I’ve sorted and all the emails I’ve forwarded and answered and all the phone calls I’ve fielded so what I really need is something to take me away from it all and also distract me from the many many people who are standing very close to me talking on their cellular telephones.

I refuse to read the free crappy papers. I would rather read The Buzzer, Translink’s little newsletter about transit. Yes, a transit newsletter. I would rather read a transit newsletter we’re driving buses! it’s what we do! than pick up a copy of that inky toilet paper Metro or its idiot sister 24 Hours. So, having spent the skytrain ride home reading The Buzzer, when I got to the bus stop I picked up a copy of Shared Vision magazine to read on the bus ride.

Shared Vision magazine is a free publication about Natural. Everything is Natural. Everything that isn’t Natural is Bad and is possibly killing you. Saint Aardvark does a much better rant on this than I do because I find it moderately amusing and he finds it to be a threat to his very soul; a side effect of having worked in a Natural Foods Store for a long time and dealing with customers who were just like your usual retail customers but with extra-healthy doses of The Crazy. Shared Vision, so, is a bunch of articles about Natural stuff. Organic cotton hankies. Cabins that are suspended from trees. An article with Gregor Robertson, the guy who started Happy Planet juice and who is now an MLA. I have no issue with the articles. Shared Vision is a great deal better written than the other Natural magazine, Common Ground.

I think.

I don’t remember now. It must be the mercury in my fillings.

The best part of the Natural magazine is the ads. Colonics, holistic dentistry, the Jeffrey Wolf Green School of Evolutionary Astrology, yoga camp, Flexwood The Health Bed (Our Beds Are Killing Us) Filemaker Pro training (wait – what?) Thai Massage, Fair trade sports balls. All these good things that good people are offering in a marketplace where I never shop. That’s cool. Live and let live, I say. Even the “Stop Electromagnetic Pollution in your home from making you sick” (symptoms include insomnia, headaches, flu-like symptoms [holy shit I think I just heard SA’s head pop off]) – you know, I don’t know enough about “e-Pollution” (snicker) to confirm or deny its existence.

But then: I see it. Celebrate International Angel Day it says. Saturday September 8, 2007 it says. Meet Angel Therapy Practitioner Jeannette Nienaber it says.

I am always up for another special day to celebrate. So I went to the website. Unfortunately there wasn’t a whole lot of information about International Angel Day or Angel Therapy. A quick google revealed that wow, yes, there are people out there facilitating conversations with angels.

Brian, for example. He will do an angel party for you.

The party begins with Brian speaking with the group on a subject that the Angels guide him, based on the groups desires. Following the mini class Brian will guide a meditation that is perfect for the group that has come together in preparing everyone for the mini Angel readings which come next.
Brian will then begin doing 20-minute readings for your guests. Additional time is available at a nominal fee for those that wish longer sessions.
As a way to thank you for bringing together a minimum of 6 confirmed guests together for an Angel Party, Brian will give the host, a chance to have a reading free of charge for hosting the party.

Isn’t it a wonderful way to spice up your next party?

Sure is. OK and how about the famous Doreen Virtue, PhD? She explains how she can pick out the so-called “fallen angels” from the good ones:

As a clairvoyant, Doreen can see the spirit world in great detail. She says, “There are beings that are referred to as ‘fallen angels.’ In reality, they aren’t angels at all. Angels are glowing beings, filled with the inner radiance of God’s love. Angels have soft, feathery wings. Angels always talk about, and act from, Love. The “fallen angels,” in contrast, have no light in them. They have short, bat-like bony wings and clawed talons. They’re commonly called “gargoyles.” These beings aren’t creations of God’s love; they’re creations of man’s fear.

Feathery wings vs. bony wings. Got it! Thanks!

I’m not being a hater, here. Everyone’s faith is his or her own. I liked those Wim Wenders films a lot. But it seems wrong to sell the concept of angels. If everyone has his/her own guardian angel (my survey of two sites indicates that angel therapy is hinged on the idea that we all have guardian angels) then shouldn’t everyone be able to contact his or her guardian angel, free of charge? $75 for an hour-long angel-reading? $62 (if I pre-register) to celebrate International Angel Day? Yes, I get free Angel oracle cards. But wouldn’t the angels want it all to be free?

And this is why Saint Aardvark carries one of those little red New Testaments in his backpack; in case he forgets his book on the bus and is forced to read Natural magazines for his commute.

My question for the angels is this: why do toilet seats in public washrooms have lids? No one ever closes the lid; it’s not like anything is going to fall in. There are no catts in public washrooms – the only reason I close my lids at home is so we don’t get muddy catt prints on the seat. How many millions of dollars could be saved by leaving the lids off public toilets?

If I get an answer in my dreams I will let you know tomorrow.