So here I am, sipping on some wine, flipping the channels. I hit 41, which is SLICE (used to be The Life Network) Women’s TV. * A very friendly looking woman I would guess is in her ’20s is trying to whack the heck out of a boot-shaped pinata while a pint-sized woman who resembles Fergie Ferg looks on. The pinata is finally broken open and a shower of cheese, chips and avocado (and one strawberry danish) falls to the ground. How wasteful!
“31 grams of fat!” says Fergie Fergesque, brandishing the avocado. “And it’s not that it’s bad for you, but all the other things NEXT to the avocado! Like the sour cream, the greasy beef…” (the strawberry danish, I think.)
“Ooooh,” says nice woman, nodding, “ahhhh.”
Next scene they’re going through nice woman’s fridge.
“Here,” says FF, “is your lunch. One flour tortilla. A wee piece of cheese.”
“Hmm,” says nice woman with nervous smile. “Yes, well…”
Yes, that IS all you get to eat, nice woman. And also, you have to be boot-camped (aka ordered around by some buff dude) and tortured with a computer image of what you MIGHT look like at an unspecified age if you horrors! continue to eat nachos and drink beer.
Oh, hey, guess what she might look like? She might look like she left on the same exercise clothes and gained 50 lbs. If I gained 50 lbs I prolly wouldn’t keep trying to put on my old 50-lbs-ago yoga pants but whatever. It’s a good computer trick and it scared the behoozies out of our nice woman.
“You never want to think that person will be you,” she explains to the camera, “but you never know what might happen, right?”
Yes, the fat truck might hit you while you’re waiting for a bus. That’s why I don’t take the bus anymore. Also, you could get hit by a real truck at any moment. Which is why I eat all the nachos and drink all the damn beer I want. Carpe Nachos Beerios Plurum.
It turns out nice woman is just shy of 30 and the show is called “The Last 10 lbs Bootcamp.” She has a bit of extra flesh around her bottom and wants to get rid of it before her 30th birthday party. I watch as she is measured and weighed after a month of dieting and exercises. It amuses me that she loses 4 inches off her bust and the coaches say “hey, great!” but her face is more like, “Dammit that is NOT what I wanted.” Because a healthy lifestyle is the goal but not if it means smaller boobs.
She does lose the 10 lbs though and manages to squeeze into her “target outfit” (which is not, as I assumed, an outfit from Target, because the show is Canadian and the clothes are from a store called “Wear Else;” a store whose rhetorical question I always answer “Anywhere else” because once I went in to browse and they were selling plain, white, cotton t-shirts for $30!) and go to her 30th birthday party. The final shot is of her blowing out the candles on her huge cake and I can’t help but wonder if she gets to eat any of it or maybe just pick her teeth with the candles.
Someone else’s body issues are not really my concern, though. (she said, non-judgementally) My real concern is the maligning of the beautiful avocado. For nice woman’s last challenge, she has to ski and hike on skis and then ski some more – all while wearing a backpack full of 20 lbs of fat, sugar and … avocados. Come on. You couldn’t come up with something more heinous and poisonous to carry around? Beer bottles, say, given nice woman’s love of beer and nachos? Or – um, let’s see – big blocks of cheese? Those are heavy. Stop picking on the avocado!
Avocados are very good for you. Just look what they can do for you. Trombone eats eight a day. Avocados are not the enemy!
The next show was similar, but about dogs and I turned it off when the woman whose dog was running her life referred to said dog as a “little terrorist.” Damn terrorists, eating all our kibble.
** a look at the website’s casting page reveals that they are looking for ME!
Party Mamas
Are you a charismatic mom throwing an over-the-top party for your kid? Are your expectations high? Will you stop at nothing to pull off the most dazzling and extravagant party that will have jaws dropping? Then, Party Mamas wants you!
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Oh yes. Totally. Me. Yes.
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