Let The Record Show

You all know that I am simultaneously enthralled and horrified by Tyra Banks. I keep vowing never to watch her talk show again and then every day at 3:58 pm my hand moves to the remote as though my coffee table was a ouija board and the remote the little doohickey that spells out your fortune.

Speaking of inanimate objects that tell the future – or the present, even – how cool would it be to have customizable babies that were like Magic 8 balls? And when you wanted to know something from your as-yet-non-verbal baby you would just give its head a little jiggle (no, not shake, shaking is bad) and the answer would pop up in a window on its forehead or something. The window could slowly fade out or grow a new layer of skin or something by the time the kid started to speak in full sentences. I was thinking about this today or maybe yesterday as I tried to elicit a comprehensible response from Trombone while trying to get him to sleep: “You like the rocking? You DON’T like the rocking? I should stop rocking? I should rock harder? I should grow a mullet and be a groupie for Ozzfest?”

I guess a couple of weeks ago some tabloids took pictures of Tyra on the beach and she was slouchy so she looked kind of, well, slouchy. The tabloids said Tyra had gained lots of weight. Tyra FOUGHT BACK by wearing a bathing suit on the cover of People? I think? and publicly stating her height and weight. Then she had a show that, alas, I missed, where she told America and Everyone that she is tired of women being judged by their bodies, she is tired of an impossible beauty standard (ie: Skinny) being held up for all of us to emulate, she is tired of being criticized just because she has a booty yall her mama loves her booty and has a booty too so kiss their bootys! Booties!

I saw it on VideoDog. She cried at the end. Also, I know I have already posted about this, sort of, but I am following up because TYRA keeps following up and it is getting on my tits. I think from now on I will refer to her as all-caps TYRA because she is just that HUGE and I don’t mean physically.

Being me, of course, I won’t let it go at that and just stop watching TYRA No, being me, I have to keep watching TYRA and drive myself crazy AND tell you all what I think.

So why does it bother me that TYRA is proud of her extra 40 lbs? (People magazine said she was 165 lbs and her Mama said 10 years ago she was 123 lbs. Yes, that’s my cite.) It doesn’t. It bothers me that TYRA has taken it upon herself to re-define Beauty to include women who are not skinny. Why? Because it doesn’t actually change anything; it just appears to.

If TYRA shows love for the fat girls (and instructs the World to do the same) without changing the beauty paradigm, it’s just lip service. We can say whatever we want and hug each other all the live-long day but there still aren’t going to be any fat girls in Seventeen magazine, there still aren’t going to be any fat girls selling beer or cars…oh wait. Wouldn’t it be more revolutionary to take women out of advertising altogether? Seriously. I want to see all ads without women in them. You want to sell me a lip gloss? Tell me what’s so great about it. Use your words. You want me to buy your beer? You may explain in 50 words or less, perhaps using words like “dark” or “light” or “high alcohol content.” Relevant words. Not images. No more images.

On Monday some ancient part of my brain that stores inconsequentalia said, “Ooh, turn on the TV; today’s the TYRA show where she recreates her Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Shot 10 Years Later!”

It’s black history month, you see. The magazine cover in question was the first Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover with a black model. TYRA. TYRA made history. Black, female history. I can see how she’s proud of that. First black woman on the cover of a prestigious – if you’re a model – magazine. But in passing, one of her voiceover dudes mentioned that TYRA’s was also the LAST Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover featuring a black model. TYRA did not follow up on this.

It was standard crazy-TYRA fare (she brought out a “one to watch” young model, complimented her on her work and gave her three phone numbers.
TYRA: You remember, that time I said you could call me anytime?
Model: Yes!
TYRA: And you called me and had questions and then I called you back…but you didn’t return my call!
Model: (nervous) Heh, heh, yeah?
TYRA: You CALL ME ANYTIME!)

and didn’t faze me. But at one of the commercial breaks, a preview for next week’s show came on and it showed TYRA shaking her fist at the world again, promising a manifesto (I’m paraphrasing) of sorts to FREE WOMEN from the TYRANNY of the BODY POLICE! It was announced that TYRA was changing the world, that her STAND against the TABLOIDS was serving to rally a nation of discontented women. A quotation graced the screen, sadly I do not recall whose words they were, stating Tyra is a beacon of light!

The media-designed and supported concept of beauty is not freeing, it cannot be freeing, even if it gets bigger and includes more types of people, it’s still media-designed and supported and it is paralyzing. Why expand it? Why illuminate it? TYRA, you have so much pull in the modeling world, apparently, why not fucking destroy it? Get up on your show, say you’re sorry for AnTM, cease and desist with the “my beauty secrets,” and the “let’s all wear our underwear because it’s so freeing/here’s how to wear the right kind of bra so boys like you!” bullshit and do something important with all your monstrous power.

And if you’re not going to do that, then just stop. Stop telling me what beauty is and isn’t. Stop telling me it exists as something that can be defined, held up for examination, emulated. Stop thinking I am so stupid as to buy this kind of lip gloss because your definition of beautiful girl is wearing that lip gloss and if I buy it I can be beautiful LIKE HER or, even better, beautiful LIKE ME, unique, because I am wearing the lip gloss that makes unique girls uniquely beautiful.

Stop telling us it’s okay to not be perfect when the definition of perfect is based on sales and marketing.

I submit that fat is more than okay. I submit that skinny is more than okay. I submit that big boobs little boobs big feet little feet big heads little heads are more than okay. I submit that whether you are beautiful enough for a Vogue cover or a Dove campaign or neither has no bearing on whether or not you are beautiful enough. I submit that whatever the shape of your body is; you are enough, you are enough, you are enough. Go kiss your mirror.

Now gimme my talk show.