Peanut Butter Jelly Beans

Today whilst waiting for a bus connection to get to my doctor’s appointment (me: now too preposterously proportioned to drive!) I nipped in to SUPERSTORE! and bought some snacks for the road.

2 pizza pretzels
2 cans of soup
1 bag of cheese popcorn
1 bag of bulk jelly beans (approx. 100 grams)

I really wanted an Aranciata beverage but they were only sold in 6 packs and I didn’t want to carry a 6-pack.

Wow this is a Fascinating Entry, non?

I ate half the bag of jelly beans on my connecting bus. It was a bag of Jelly Belly Beans. I have never experienced more than, say, two or three Jelly Belly Beans at a time and I was choosing carefully those times. (Usually it’s safe to go for the orange jelly bean.) Those crazy Jelly Belly people! They make jelly beans out of coffee and chocolate and coconut and other things that taste like coconut. I was eating the beans blind, taking them one at a time from the bag in my pocket, trying to guess what the sweet bejoobie THAT flavour just was. And then I encountered the peanut butter jelly bean. So bad! So very bad! All thick and sticky and no sweet and It’s Just Wrong. I mean, make a savoury jelly bean all you want, but there should still be sugar in it somewhere. It’s still CANDY.

Despite this dosing up before the doctor’s appointment, all my vitals were normal.

Dr: You’re still pregnant!
Me: Yep
Dr: You look like you have a basketball in your lap!
Me: Feels more like a medicine ball, but I read you.
Dr: Let’s have a feel…
(cops a feel)
Dr: Woah! I could totally poke your baby’s head!
Me: Please don’t poke my baby’s head…
Dr: Ha ha ha – if I could get my fingers through your cervix I totally would!
Me: To be fair, if I were in your position I’m not sure I could do anything BUT poke babies in the head.

So yes, babby is lower than before. That feeling when I walk, like something gigantic is about to fall out of me? That’s precisely what I’m feeling. It’s nice to have medical science agree with my expert opinion. Of course, speculation continues as to when this “falling out” will occur. Professional opinion seems to err on the side of later rather than sooner. But I’ve been to enough parties to know that hanging out near the door is a good way to sneak out without saying goodbye to anyone.

Wow. Jon Bon Jovi is on Oprah and his teeth are so white.