It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s – Lorne Mayencourt!

Goddessa Smites: All y’all on the rumbly motorcycles. You scare small children and make buildings quiver. Also, after walking through the west end last night and being subjected to the same overcompensating Harley Davidson cowboy at several different intersections, Goddessa thinks her testicles may have descended.

Motorcycle morons: you done been smote.

Dear Lorne Mayencourt:

Did you know that beggars and panhandlers make so much money they have been buying motorcycles and hiding them at the corner of Thurlow and Robson? Yes, right outside the southwest Starbucks. It is very sneaky of them to hide something in plain view – but you know how beggars and panhandlers are. Very sneaky. Because of the mental illness.

Then what they do is they sit there, disguised in sexy motorcycle garb that they bought with their panhandled paycheques and they drink coffee that was paid for with begged and panhandled money. Yes! They can afford Starbucks coffee! It’s quite a living, panhandling and begging.

They discuss motorcycles and pretend they are good, law abiding citizens. So far, no one has called their collective bluff! Unbelievable! They sit in plain view of law enforcement, tourists and skinny girls with small dogs in their purses; the very same victims of their heinous begging and panhandling.

Mr. Mayencourt I request that you, as my barely legal MLA, take a stand and put a stop to this flagrant abuse of power. Beggars and panhandlers disguised as good, hardworking motorcycle owners do a disservice to the reputations of all the good, hardworking motorcycle owners out there. Surely you, who knows good from bad, right from wrong and mentally ill from just a little annoying can see that this situation cannot continue.

I suggest you put on your leathers and go undercover. Sit with the beggars and panhandlers at the Starbucks for a few days. Then subtly slip some sugar in the motorcycle gas tanks while you are pretending to admire the chrome finish and giant rumbly pipes. When the beggars and panhandlers start to curse because their motorcycles won’t go, you will know they are showing their true colours, for of course good, honest, hardworking motorcycle owners would never swear in public. Then just put up your hand and say:

“I am Lorne Mayencourt and on behalf of the West End I citizens-arrest all of you!”

You might want to throw in an insult like,

“I used to think you guys were cute in your little motorcycle outfits until I found out that you were all beggars and panhandlers! Now I just think you’re pathetic!”

Mr. Mayencourt, you will appear so clever for having figured out that those who appear to “have” in our neighbourhood are actually the “have-nots” you have been trying to get rid of for so long. But of course, I already knew that you would never judge a book by its cover; you always crack the first few pages and then skip right to the end. You get to the meat of the matter and your loyal followers admire that about you.

When you have made the streets safe for people like me to walk (I assure you I have ordered my tiny dog but it hasn’t come yet) without fear of a burst eardrum or a heart palpitation brought on by excessive noise and/or testosterone, I will know that you truly believe in a just, crime-free society.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

I remain,
Cheesefairy