Back in the Day

Tonight I found blog ideas, which gives you ideas to, uh, blog about. Here goes.

• Alternate uses for crayons.

sealing wax
stick them up your nose at a wedding
colouring on your fingernails after you’ve painted them with white-out
you can eat them but they don’t taste good
melt them into a large, piller candle and enjoy the pretty colours.
suppository, I guess.

• 3 things on my desk that I adore.

My homies. There are three homies; a basketball-playing homie, a fat gangsta homie and a cop writing the other two homies a ticket. And a small red Ferrari. The fat gangsta homie stole the Ferrari, see, and then he was going to get the basketball-playing homie and they were going to pretend to be rich and try and get into a cool club. But the cop got them first.

That’s my home desk. My work desk has all the lip gloss.

• Reality TV: what gives?

Fuck off. Reality TV rules.

• Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours.

Reality TV.

• If I die today.. How would it happen?

By sticking something sharp in my left ear with such force that it goes right through my brain. I would be trying to gouge out my ears on account of the fact they’re plugged, but it would go horribly awry, as it does. (A lot like the movie called “Beat,” where Kiefer Sutherland plays William S. Burroughs and Courtney Love plays [surprise!] his doomed but loyal wife. Oh and the guy from Office Space plays Allen Ginsberg. OUCH! What’s that sticky stuff running down my face?)

(Or CBC Radio 1. Awry, that is.) At first it was Rick Cluff, but now it is also Priya Ramu who chafes my nards. They are the bookends of my day, the nard-chafing bookend twins. And they have not stopped there, they are not content merely to chafe my nards but must take it two steps further and actually kick me repeatedly in my nards. There’s a goddamn two weeks ahead of us, people, of programming especially about the waterfront. Ready? It’s called Think Vancouver: Think Waterfront. It has theme music that sounds like Enya on Quaaludes. And it’s not limited to the radio. The CBC local news tonight was broadcasting from the aquarium and the only good thing the ONLY GOOD THING about this was the sea otters. I love sea otters.

The thing about Priya Ramu is, she thinks she knows everything already. I mean, if you’re on a live broadcast, unless you’re a Crazy Rebel, you should never ask a question you don’t sort of have an idea of the answer to, but you shouldn’t sound like a snotty Betsy-knows-it-all-doll either. And her tone puts people off so all her interviews end up with this slightly aggressive feel to them and you don’t catch flies with vinegar, Priya, you need some sugar in your bowl. Doesn’t everyone at the CBC have to listen to Peter Gzowski interviews before they go to sleep, all tucked in at CBC Radio Boot Camp, mellowing out to his sweet, gentle tones and easy way of drawing people out of themselves like they be octopi and he be herring? Let people come to you, Priya, don’t chase them and yell about how you know they know stuff and you’re just trying to get them to admit the stuff they know. Or: go be a lawyer.