Welcome to Our Humble Abode

Dear Saint Aardvark’s Parents,

Welcome! It has been a long time since you stayed in our house because we have had both of our rooms full of children but now, having moved the children into one bedroom, we have a guest room for you to sleep in!

Since you are arriving tomorrow, in mid-afternoon, and we won’t have a chance to talk privately, and the children can neither read nor navigate the Internet, here are some things you might find handy to know.

– They are likely to come into your room, which so recently (like, yesterday) was their playroom, without knocking.
– In fact, they might just barge in, crowing “Where is our snack!” at all hours of the night and early morning.
– By ‘early morning’ I mean you might want to wrap your head in tin foil before you go to sleep.
– Middle drawer in the kitchen. That’s where I keep the tin foil.
– Anyway, just give them some chips or something and they will probably go away.
– Feel free to make a KEEP OUT THIS MEANS YOU KIDS sign using the paper and markers you will find in the corner of the guest, I mean, play, I mean, guest room.
– Ask me for tape. For reasons that will become obvious, I keep the tape in a top secret location.


– Fresco loves snails. He will make a noise like a donkey on acid every time he sees a snail. Then he will pluck it from its tree and drop it in the dirt, because “snails like dirt RIGHT!” It behooves you to agree.
– Fresco is afraid of flying insects. He will make a noise like a jet plane with a seagull in its propeller if he sees a fly or bee. He will refer to either and both of these insects as BEES. It behooves you not to correct him.
– Fresco runs really fast. He insists on wearing his shoes on the wrong feet. Try to catch him before he falls down.
– If he falls down, there will be a scrape. Be prepared to hear about the scrape for the length of your visit. DO NOT attempt to bandage, clean or otherwise approach the scrape. You may appreciate the scrape with a sympathetic tone, from over there.
– Re: the scrape. It’s still there.


– Trombone loves fighting. He thinks he is the size of a house. Please don’t squish him, though it will be tempting. He is just about to start kindergarten. He can’t go if he’s squished.
– Stop means stop. If you need help with this, ask Fresco. He is very good at shriek-hollering the rules.
– Please don’t laugh when Trombone says DARNIT, or BUTT, even though it is really funny.
– Yes, we read him Captain Underpants books. It’s fine. He’s allowed.
– He is very excited about his birthday. Please try to dissuade him from inviting everyone on the street to his fantasy birthday party. I simply do not have enough Clone Wars cake with marshmallow frosting for four hundred people.
– Disregard his ten-thousand item birthday wish-list and get him some socks. He needs socks more than he needs a remote control Iron Man that says I AM IRON MAN.
– Yes, by ‘he’ I mean ‘me.’ What of it.

Seamus the Cat:

– Feed him.
– Feed him again.
– Try not to go in the bathroom when he’s in the bathroom or he will freak out and run through the house and finish his business somewhere else.
– Leave your bedroom door closed. Seamus can’t do doorknobs, we don’t think.


– I like beer, gin, whatever. Not fussy.
– Please, no wrestling in the living room.

Your son:

– As you are aware, if you get in between him and his first cup of coffee, he will poke you with a safety pin.

Enjoy your stay!

Us, in our house

PS: Re: the scrape. It’s still there.

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18 Responses to Welcome to Our Humble Abode

  1. Megan says:

    Ah, snails. At least Fresco manages to pick one up and set it down again without crushing its shell in between his eager fingers. Charlotte requires immediate and repetitive reminders to be gentle when she reaches for a snail. Or else grossness ensues. And Chris gets really sad about the dead snail. He’s sort of an insect/whateversnailsare enthusiast.

    Enjoy your visit with your in-laws. And if you should need to duck out for a while I just bought a rather large bottle of gin from Costco. It will be worth your journey. 🙂

    • cheesefairy says:

      I also get sad about the dead snails. Not that there aren’t plenty more, obvs. But still.

  2. Liz says:

    Costco sells Gin? My life! She is complete!

    Also, have fun this weekend!

    • cheesefairy says:

      Alas, Megan lives in America. America, land of cheeeeep booze in the Costco.

      On the bright side: ROAD TRIP.

  3. Lex says:

    The fact that your cat is called Seamus is awesomely rad on so many levels.

    Also, what is it with the wee ones and wearing their shoes on the wrong feet?? There’s no way in hell that’s comfortable.

    I agree with Megan about Fresco and the snails; Midget will straight up destroy them when she sees them — with her feet. She has a serious issue with anything slimy (except for worms). Go figure.

    Have a good time with the in-laws (and, hopefully, some booze)!

  4. Ginger says:

    This made me laugh until I cried. Which was so, so, so awesome. I really want to come visit now.

    And at least Fresco doesn’t put the snails in his mouth, like some one in my house (ok, two someone’s if you count the dog). Which, I don’t mind snails, but…gag.

    • cheesefairy says:

      Ooook. Not in your mouth. No no no no.

      You can come visit if you bring Megan, Lex, and Costco gin. 🙂

  5. Alexandra says:

    Oh, true, true.

    So funny.

  6. Jen says:

    I actually snorted in some cookie and wine while reading this. Welcome, SA’s parents! (OMG – donkey on acid, ha ha hahahahahahahahah)

  7. Brigette says:

    Huh. Your inlaws are arriving tomorrow and my inlaws are leaving tomorrow. Do we have the same inlaws? 😉

  8. For Tara it is ants which are just bugggggggs and today it was a fossilized spider which was also a seee buuuuuuuuggggg..which I really didn’t want to see.

    Heh..i hope your inlaws appreciate the warnings…

    • cheesefairy says:

      A toddler’s ability to make a one syllable word into eighteen syllables is so awesome. Buuuuuuuggggggg!

  9. Pat says:

    Messages and advice arrived. Thanks. As to the gin reference I can take a hint and will drink any brand of gin you have on hand. Thanks again :-). Flt leaves in about 4 hours so we’ll see you all this afternoon.

  10. schmutzie says:

    I’m just dropping in to let you know that this weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday:

  11. Amber says:

    I should have something like this taped to my front door.

    You know, assuming I still had any tape in the house. I tried the top secret location, but my 6-year-old is surprisingly wily.

  12. miranda says:

    so awesome. i am loving the “It behooves you not to correct him” line. ah, three year olds and their AMAZING POWERS of being right and totally reasonable all the time.

  13. allison says:

    I just came here to say I really liked your comment on Amber’s yelly Mom post, but now you’re all funny and stuff and I probably have to add you to my increasingly unwieldy blog roll. I know Fresco and Trombone are probably blog names, but even if they weren’t, I would give you an exception to my ‘I Hate People Who Give Their Kids Weird Names’ rule because those names are just cool. They just are.