Welcome to Our Humble Abode

Dear Saint Aardvark’s Parents,

Welcome! It has been a long time since you stayed in our house because we have had both of our rooms full of children but now, having moved the children into one bedroom, we have a guest room for you to sleep in!

Since you are arriving tomorrow, in mid-afternoon, and we won’t have a chance to talk privately, and the children can neither read nor navigate the Internet, here are some things you might find handy to know.

– They are likely to come into your room, which so recently (like, yesterday) was their playroom, without knocking.
– In fact, they might just barge in, crowing “Where is our snack!” at all hours of the night and early morning.
– By ‘early morning’ I mean you might want to wrap your head in tin foil before you go to sleep.
– Middle drawer in the kitchen. That’s where I keep the tin foil.
– Anyway, just give them some chips or something and they will probably go away.
– Feel free to make a KEEP OUT THIS MEANS YOU KIDS sign using the paper and markers you will find in the corner of the guest, I mean, play, I mean, guest room.
– Ask me for tape. For reasons that will become obvious, I keep the tape in a top secret location.


– Fresco loves snails. He will make a noise like a donkey on acid every time he sees a snail. Then he will pluck it from its tree and drop it in the dirt, because “snails like dirt RIGHT!” It behooves you to agree.
– Fresco is afraid of flying insects. He will make a noise like a jet plane with a seagull in its propeller if he sees a fly or bee. He will refer to either and both of these insects as BEES. It behooves you not to correct him.
– Fresco runs really fast. He insists on wearing his shoes on the wrong feet. Try to catch him before he falls down.
– If he falls down, there will be a scrape. Be prepared to hear about the scrape for the length of your visit. DO NOT attempt to bandage, clean or otherwise approach the scrape. You may appreciate the scrape with a sympathetic tone, from over there.
– Re: the scrape. It’s still there.


– Trombone loves fighting. He thinks he is the size of a house. Please don’t squish him, though it will be tempting. He is just about to start kindergarten. He can’t go if he’s squished.
– Stop means stop. If you need help with this, ask Fresco. He is very good at shriek-hollering the rules.
– Please don’t laugh when Trombone says DARNIT, or BUTT, even though it is really funny.
– Yes, we read him Captain Underpants books. It’s fine. He’s allowed.
– He is very excited about his birthday. Please try to dissuade him from inviting everyone on the street to his fantasy birthday party. I simply do not have enough Clone Wars cake with marshmallow frosting for four hundred people.
– Disregard his ten-thousand item birthday wish-list and get him some socks. He needs socks more than he needs a remote control Iron Man that says I AM IRON MAN.
– Yes, by ‘he’ I mean ‘me.’ What of it.

Seamus the Cat:

– Feed him.
– Feed him again.
– Try not to go in the bathroom when he’s in the bathroom or he will freak out and run through the house and finish his business somewhere else.
– Leave your bedroom door closed. Seamus can’t do doorknobs, we don’t think.


– I like beer, gin, whatever. Not fussy.
– Please, no wrestling in the living room.

Your son:

– As you are aware, if you get in between him and his first cup of coffee, he will poke you with a safety pin.

Enjoy your stay!

Us, in our house

PS: Re: the scrape. It’s still there.

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