Today, over morning snack:
Me: What would you guys like to do this morning?
Trombone, almost-5: I don’t know, maybe go to the Burnaby library?
Fresco, age 3: We just WENT to the library.
Trombone: Not the Burnaby one. And anyway, I like it there.
Fresco: Well I’m taking this flashlight with me.
Trombone: I’m taking this water gun.
Me: Hate to interrupt. But why would you take a water gun to the library?
Trombone: To play with.
Me: There are books there. That’s what the library is for. It’s for books.
Trombone: Fine. Can I take a toy?
Me: Yes. A small toy. I happen to know where there are some…
Me: Oh, by the way Fresco, you can’t take a flashlight to the library.
Fresco: *falls to the floor, weeping* Whyyyyyy?
Me: Indeed.
Fresco, louder: WHY?
Me: Because it would distract people from the books.
Fresco: Fine. I’ll take Superdog.
Me: *sigh*
Trombone: Well if he’s taking Superdog, I’m taking Buzz Lightyear.
Me: No.
Trombone: Why? He’s an action figure. He’s pretty small.
Me: HE MAKES NOISE.
Trombone: People make noise.
Me: Not at the library. Things shouldn’t make noise at the library. Beeping, robot noises. Unacceptable.
Trombone: Fine. I will take these two Matchbox cars. This one shoots fire and this one shoots pirates.
Me: OK. Whatever. Get your shoes on, please.
*get shoes on*
*get coat on*
*get out to car*
*get to library*
*get out of car*
*waiting for elevator to library*
Trombone: Oh! I forgot my cars!
Fresco: Well, I didn’t forget Superdog! *waves Superdog around like a fucking gold medal*
Trombone: But now I have no toy. I have no toy!
Me: I am leaving you in the parking lot.
Trombone: No!
Me: No. But stop it. We are going in to look at books now.
Trombone: Fine.
At the library I twice rescued Superdog from drooling toddlers with squeaking shoes and questionable morals. And when we got home I picked up my accordion and sang the chorus from “Ship of Fools” until the children ran screaming from the room and stayed gone long enough for me to have a stiff drink.
Only part of that last paragraph is true.
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