My question is, what, exactly, is a “natural cause” when it kills you at 56?
Anyway
The recent cold snap caught me by surprise. I was unable to fathom that I might need a layer so I got wet and cold in my black tank top and thong sandals. Sure did get some fond glances at the liquor store though. Then I got to thinking: why do we suffer through winter at all? We have the technology to engineer a woman’s body so she only bleeds when it’s convenient, why not engineer the actual Seasons so that winter and fall never happen. Think: continuous bloom and warmth. No shivering, no turtlenecks for those who should not wear them, no boot wars, where the waterproof and the fashionable stand off and swear at each other on a muddy pier. No hooded plastic jackets that smell like Barbie and then smell like Barbie-after-the-gym. No need for waterproof mascara (which never rubs off, no matter how industrial the remover), no need to worry about this year’s umbrella trend – Berber, Family Tartan, Faux Monet? – only to spend the $150 and then proceed to lose the pointy bastard at a restaurant opening to an up-and-comer who could afford either a new umbrella or the payment on her new Jetta that month but definitely not both. Like Cristal says in Showgirls, There’s always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.
I can’t do it. I’m trying to write like Leah MacLaren, on a dare, but I can’t. My teeth keep wincing.
This guy on the bus today looked like an extra from Battlefield Earth . But he had kind eyes. And a Real McKenzies coffee mug.