7 Things About Lawyers that The Occult Can’t Explain

Title courtesy of the truly awesome linkbait title generator, which, though tongue in cheek and hilarious and not meant to be really used but will be used and is already overused and everyone will hate it in a week, is still in real life something I could use. Something to think up my titles for me. SEO THAT.

When I was a kid my mom used to tell me I should be a lawyer when I grew up. Because I was so argumentative. I see now that this was the equivalent of me gritting my teeth at Trombone and saying from between those gritted teeth, GOSH YOU’RE SO THOROUGH IN THE BATHROOM. Here is what I know about lawyers:

– they make a lot of money
– they argue a lot
– they have to read a shit tonne of boring stuff to become lawyers (although maybe they don’t think it’s boring because they’re interested in it)
– people hate them because they are always stepping on the Little Guy because it’s The Law because they read it in their shit tonne of boring stuff

Yes, obviously my knowledge of lawyers is based on television.

I know two lawyers in real life: Sarah’s dad and P-Man, both of whom are relatively argumentative but as for the rest of the list, not so much.

The last thing I know about lawyers is that they refer to precedent. That is something that has happened before to make The Law you are following. I am very familiar with Precedent because I have a four year old named Trombone who apparently takes after his mother. To wit:

Me: Please do the thing I asked you to do.
Trombone: But one time you said I could do it this way.
Me: I am sure I did not.
Trombone: That time when I had red pants on and my hair was short and I had just eaten a jelly bean, a yellow jelly bean, you SAID I could do it this way.
Me: What? That was TWO YEARS AGO. You don’t remember that!
Trombone: I do! And also, Fresco was a baby and he couldn’t roll over yet but he sure did shout a lot and also I wanted noodles for dinner but you made me eat corn and that hurt my feelings. That time. You said I could do it this way.

Anyone else would probably say, wow kid, you’re fantastic. You win. Go ahead and do the thing your own way. But I am stubborn and cruel and I like to win, myself, so I say through gritted teeth, that’s nice you have such a good memory for facts! Maybe you will be a lawyer someday. Now please do the thing.

As I get older and my mind starts to wander
I notice that I am less argumentative. More inclined to say, hm, I guess that’s the way you think, random person. For a few reasons: one, I am generally more tired. Two, I took some counseling courses once. Three, I don’t feel like I know enough about anything to argue about it. My opinions are less based in fact than they used to be, in part because I don’t retain as much information and in part because I see more grey in the world, now, less black and white.

On more than one occasion, Saint Aardvark and I have been talking and he will refer to something I said once and I will say, I don’t remember saying that. Or, I don’t think that way. And he will say, well, you used to say blah blah blah about that. Trust me when I say, SA is not the usual observer of precedent in our household. I used to hold very strong positions on an assortment of topics but now I am more meh about it all.

I don’t know why I used to care so much, so fiercely about things that now I don’t think matter. Is it because now I am a dead fish who cares about nothing? Or is it because I used to make my opinions Who I Was and so there was everything vested in those opinions. I had to defend them.

As a kid I argued to assert myself. As a teen and young adult I argued to establish myself. As an adult, I argue only to defend myself.

And that is why you can’t predict a child’s future based on his behavior as a child.

(Oh but hey. I can construct an argument after all.)

The End.

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