Conversations

Me: I haven’t posted to my blog in a long fucking time!
Complacent Me: Yeah? And?
Me: Like, a WEEK!
CM: So you gonna go in there and be all, oh, hey everybody, here’s why I haven’t posted in a week?
Me: No! I hate it when people do that!
CM: So…
Me: I know! I need something. I need to take transit or something. It’s been too long. I’m off the horse. I don’t even know where the horse IS.
CM: Yeah. Horse.
Me: Anything?
CM: You are asking the WRONG you. Try CreativeYou.

***

Me: I see the beauty and the wonder in the world around me!
Creative Me: That damn tree is blooming now. Super.
Me: Hey. What’s with the attitude?
CM: I’m fucking TIRED man.
Me: But you’re CREATIVE ME. You have to be, like, inspired and stuff.
CM: I made you a baby. Two, actually. Two babies. You’re WELCOME.
Me: But –
CM: That’s hard work. I’m a slave to hormones. Maybe you should wean. Or stop weaning. Anyway. Have you checked with AngryYou?

***

Me: Yo. Wassup.
Angry Me: Sigh.
Me: You not angry today?
AM: Am beyond angry. Am done with pronouns. Will raise ire next year.
Me: Not even angry about how you have no energy and haven’t slept in god knows how long?
AM: Why be angry? No point. Try Poignant.

***

Me: OK. Last try. PoignantMe?
Poignant Me: Sweeeeetheart.
Me: Yeah, so –
PM: Oh, I HEARD about the whole blog thing. Yes. Terrible. So. Here. You have this beautiful baby. So beautiful. And he is almost a year old!
Me: Uh huh. Fresco.
PM: He’s darling. And he is walking and he says GAH and he says NANA for banana and he doesn’t even shout much anymore. Do you remember the shouting? You thought it would never end.
Me: Well he does still shout if you don’t get him his food fast enough…
PM: Of course. But hasn’t he taught you a lot about, well, EVERYTHING?
Me: —–
PM: Hasn’t he? Haven’t you realized that there is value in a strong personality and what doesn’t kill you, etcetera and also that you are the most content, all-embracing, otherworldly mother of all time? Haven’t you?
Me: I am not sure I have.
PM: Oh. Couldn’t you try? Could you weave it in with a charming anecdote and maybe something about a filthy person on the bus? Music! Don’t forget music! And a dear photo at the end.
Me: I’m not sure that’s the lesson. Or that I have learned a lesson. Or that there IS a lesson.
PM: Oh.
Me: I think it’s just the exhaustion talking.
PM: Yes, probably. Maybe the hormones. Because of the weaning.
Me: Yeah. Do you have anything else? Anything in a spring renewal / new year sort of thing?
PM: No, I pretty much only have the baby’s birthday thing.
Me: Right.
PM: Sorry.
Me: Yeah.

***

Me: Internet?
Internet: Yes!NO!Drama.Tweep!Tweeple!Blogospheric synergizing!Monetize!Anthropomorphize!
Me: Sigh.
Internet: Hereandhereandhereandhereandhereandhere! People die. People laugh. LOOKIT!
Me: Yeah, I know, there’s a lot –
Internet: AND!ALSO!TSHIRTS!
Me: Yeah.

***

Me: Hey Fresco?
Fresco: Gah!
Me: It’s almost your birthday, hey.
Fresco: Gah!
Me: What would you like for your birthday?
Fresco: Nana!
Me: Banana?
Fresco: NANA!
Trombone, whispering: He would like a firetruck FLASHLIGHT!
Me: Really.
Trombone: Yes!
Me: I’ll see what I can do.