The Baby’s Rider

I just found this in the paperwork from Fresco’s birth. Wish I’d seen it months ago; we would all be a lot less deaf now.

Performance (ie: sleeping, eating, cooing) of The Baby Known As Fresco, hereafter referred to as The Baby, is contingent upon the following conditions being met. Any failure to meet these conditions in full will result in unreliable performance and an unsatisfactory baby / caregiver experience.

1. No diapers, at any time, are to be applied to any part of The Baby’s person.

2 a. The Baby must consume breastmilk only in a room which is dark and quiet. Noise and light distract The Baby from his task of consuming breastmilk.
b. The Baby reserves the right to use his teeth while extracting breastmilk.
c. The Baby reserves the right to practice climbing curtains while extracting breastmilk.
d. The Baby reserves the right to refuse breastmilk at any time and instead blow spit against the breastmilk carrier’s neck.

3. The breastmilk carrier’s neck must be available at all times for blowing spit against.

4. The flesh of any human or animal must be available at all times for The Baby’s gnawing pleasure.

5. The Baby reserves the right to tip the cat’s water dish at any time.

6. The Baby must have any surface in the room available to him for his standing practice. This might be a knee, a shoulder, a head of hair or the cat’s water dish.

7. The Baby must NOT be removed from situations deemed dangerous or messy. These situations include but are not limited to:

– chewing on power cords
– splashing in spilled water from cat’s water dish
– eating cat’s food
– licking toddler’s potty
– licking kitchen floor
– playing patty cake with Reflected Baby in the fireplace

8. The Baby does not like soothers. Except when he does.

9. The Baby will not have a nap until every surface in the house has been scaled, licked, gnawed or pooped on. The Baby is quite serious.

10. The baby will not be restrained in any way. Being restrained prevents The Baby from practicing walking. Restraints include but are not limited to:

– car seats
– strollers
– baby carriers
– your arms
– high chairs
– cribs
– play “yards”

11. Do not sit The Baby down. Sitting down amounts to restraint.

12. The Baby must have unfettered access to the following:

– toys belonging to toddler, especially The Little Lego and matchbox cars
– the cat and his food and water
– carpet lint
– dust bunnies
– any Cheerio, regardless of age, condition or location
– any venetian blind cord long enough to kill by choking / strangulation
– TV Week magazine
– bananas

13. This list subject to change at any time. Notification of change will be sent by email, carrier pigeon or telepathy. The Baby is not responsible for any messages not received.