Dear Neighbours

Almost 2 years ago I wrote a bitter little post about the lack of considerate, snow-clearing home owners in our neighbourhood. I moderated my criticism somewhat by acknowledging that some people might be of an age or ability that shoveling their walks would be impossible. However, you will be unsurprised to hear that I have held a healthy grudge against these people and have paid attention to the upkeep of the offending houses during all four seasons.

Yes, I walk the same route a lot. Because of the grudge-holding, mainly.

I have noted that:

Exhibit A: in spring, summer and fall, the houses are kept up by the owners: I have seen old dudes (not gardeners) mowing & pruning & cleaning gutters
Exhibit B: their giant trees shed leaves that are then raked and bagged by same old dudes
Exhibit C: all the houses have Christmas Lights Galore on display, many lawns feature those light up reindeer that move their heads (incidentally, Trombone is not a little obsessed with these) and I have seen the owners of the houses doing the decorating: old dudes on ladders, plugging things in, etc.

and have determined that these people are just lazy and / or assholes.

(Exhibit D, not strictly relevant, is that one of the houses has a big Oldsmobile [it’s called an ETC if you can believe it] in the driveway and in the past 2 years it has acquired a commemorative Olympics 2010 [don’t sue me!] license plate and everyone knows that people with commemorative Olympics license plates are assholes or at least bad drivers. Oh yeah? You don’t think so? Next time someone cuts you off in traffic or does something so boneheadedly stupid you almost bite off your tongue, check the license plate. Dollars to doughnuts it’s either a vanity plate or an Olympics plate [offer valid in British Columbia only][god I love parentheses!])

My fantasy list of things to do in the next three months (top 3: yoga class, sleep 6 hours in a row, remember to floss) includes getting a bunch of business cards printed with the following:

Hi. Buy some salt. Put it on your sidewalk. It’s really fucking icy.

But! Should my fantasy cards include a graphic? And if so, what should it be? (What? An Olympics logo! Perhaps of a luge? You saucy minxes!)