Membrane Sweep: As Delightful as I Remembered and Still, No Baby

Last week my doctor said, “You want The Sweep?” (a quick go-round of the cervix, intended to stimulate labour before The Big Drugs.)
And I said, “Nah – I’m OK – I’ll wait.” But then the sea changed direction and I found myself counting down to this morning’s appointment.

“You want The Sweep?”
“Take a Swiffer in there too if you need to,” I replied, knickers tossed and legs akimbo.

This week’s resident, a woman who is 16 weeks pregnant (with the attendant “Hmmmmmmm?” brain freeze going on) and also suffering from a cold, grimaced slightly.

“I’m looking forward to having a real belly,” she commented, patting her 16-week bloat.
“I’m looking forward to taking mine off,” I replied, “You know, it’s so solid, it feels like you could just pop it off, like Lego, but really, it just stays attached. It goes everywhere with me. Dammit.”

Her eyes crossed, I believe.

By the time I got downtown for a coffee date, I was feeling that ache in the bum and thighs that meant labour was starting last time. Except last time I was in the hospital already at that point so my next step was pretty apparent. Today, downtown, at 11 am, with my car parked in a $2.50 / half hour lot, Trombone at my parents’ house, 20 minutes east, Saint Aardvark at work, 45 minutes west and my hospital and doctor, so recently parted from, 25 minutes south, well, I honestly just stood at the corner of Hastings and Granville for about 10 minutes and considered asking the panhandler for advice.

But then I decided that even if I was going into labour, it would be a few hours before things got underway (I know this because I am a Doctor!) so I might as well head back across to Kitsilano, as planned. I wanted to hit Kidsbooks and a couple of toy stores, as I was searching for the perfect gift for Trombone from his new sibling.

The butt and thigh pain continued – of course I was also sitting on it in traffic, all over this city, traffic, at 11:30 am, traffic, people why don’t you all get where you’re going and get out of my road already! until I found a great parking spot right outside the bookstore and waddled in (pit pat paddle pat, as The Puddle Ducks do) where I suddenly realized that it was not a book that I wanted (sorry mo-wo) but in fact, bagels. So I pit pat paddle patted down to the very conveniently located Solly’s Bagelry and purchased 6 and a container of cream cheese for the road, the road leading past a shoe store to The Toybox across the street, where I found the most likely gift from a recently born sibling to its older brother and then I gnawed on a most delicious bagel back to the car.

Driving across town to Burnaby I discovered as I went that the butt and thigh pain was actually accompanied by contractions that were 10 minutes apart, all the way to my parents’ house, where I then drank a litre of water and sat on the couch and hey presto, the contractions abated.

Driving a standard transmission is hell on the 40 week belly and legs. But this will not stop me from going to my next doctor’s appointment, assuming I need it, scheduled for Monday morning at 11:15. For more sweeping. I settled on the following visualization (the whole “opening like a flower” thing doesn’t really work for me): there’s a Brier in my vagina, with little people in team jackets, carrying Tim Hortons coffee cups, shouting “sweeeeep! sweeeeep!” Maybe it’s these women. They seem friendly and skilled.

We’ll see what happens. At the very least, I’ll be cobweb free for Hippo’s launch.