Welcome to tonight’s episode of “Who’s Crazier: Tyra or Trombone?”
Hi there, Miss Tyra! Miss Tyra! why are you shrieking? Oh, the models are not fierce enough? You were hoping they would be fiercer? Well, maybe with a bit more guidance – Miss Tyra! Please! No more shrieking! The models are frightened! They’re stampeding!
And good evening Trombone! What’s that? You want to watch a movie? Yes, no? Yesno? Yes or no? Which movie? This movie? OK! This – wait – the other movie? The other – which movie? Why are you shrieking? You wanted THAT movie? Yes? No? Trombone, yes and no mean TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!
Round one: Trombone wins!
Miss Tyra. Yes, I’m talking to you. Yes, I did buy this shirt myself. No, I like it the way it is, thanks. I think it’s plenty fierce. Hey! Stop tearing my shirt! Stop it! What do you mean I’d make a good platinum blonde? Are you blind? I have an olive complexion! Here, chew on this supermodel jerky. Just get a good gnaw on and you’ll feel better. OW! Not my shoulder! Jesus!
Trombone. Would you like some supper? Yesno? What does that mean? Would you like some ham? Cheese? Kiwi? Nothing? Not hungry? YES, you are hungry? OK, so what would you like? Trombone, “No way no way” Is Not a Food.
Round two: Miss Tyra wins!
Miss Tyra: Hel-looo…you didn’t shave your armpit! A razor is a dollar…retouching a photo is like a thousand bucks…
Model: I don’t shave…
Miss Tyra: You MUST SHAVE or WE WILL DESTROY YOU
Model: OK, I will next time…
Miss Tyra: You don’t really want this. If you really wanted this you would NOT HAVE A HAIRY ARMPIT!! GIRL!!
Model: I can go shave right now? If you want?
Miss Tyra: All we ask in this profession is that you show up clean and shaved. SHAVED.
Trombone: NO WAY!
Me: No way what.
Trombone: No bath! No towel! No clean! No toys! More toys! More bath!
Me: No money. No problems.
Trombone: YOU ARE MOCKING ME!
Trombone: I am going to cry at random intervals while I pour water on myself in an otherwise happy fashion!
Me: I am going to wash your face anyway!
Trombone: I am going to shriek like Tyra Banks and her model contestants for no apparent reason!
Me: I am going to think about all the alcohol I will be drinking in approximately 1.5 months and try not to think about that fact that I made ANOTHER ONE OF YOU!
Round three: Tyra, hands down.
And match goes to – MISS TYRA! But I suspect that is only because she has about 35 years more experience.