The Cheeseblog

While I am drawn to Jack Layton because he’s a true NDPer and I believe the same things he believes, it really helps that his theme colour is orange. Go Jack!

I wish Svend Robinson was the leader of the Federal NDP. But he didn’t want to run, so he’s not. Check the photo halfway down this page of Jack and Svend at Vancouver Pride. Jack’s got some muscle going on! He’s a brave man to wear that shirt in public! Maybe enough Svend will rub off on Jack and Jack can be prime minister. That would be OK. I want Svend #1 Jack #2 or Eugene Levy #3 to be prime minister.

Western Alienation? Bah! Doesn’t exist. Money/taxes/healthcare: so much bafflegab. All the samey-same no matter who you vote for. (Oh I still vote. But it’s not such a dramatic event like, say, a BC election, [440 days left, everybody! start sharpening your pencils!] where we get a new wacko every 4 years because the last wacko does something dumb and the media crucifies him and the people go flash like Men in Black and forget all the things they learned in school about how to vote.) How my future leader looks in a tank top: now there’s an issue. Think of it: if the Canadian electoral process was a reality show then we could learn all kinds of things about the candidates. And it could be broadcast on CBC and then there wouldn’t be any room for Cirque du Soleil.

On “Canada’s Next Top Prime Minister,” the candidates share a luxury residence at 24 Sussex Drive and must learn to live with each other without the help of maids, cooks, butlers or spouses while completing a series of challenges designed to reveal which is the best person for the job of Canada’s Prime Minister.

Episode one: The candidates have to balance the budget in 24 hours without killing anybody, losing any money, drinking Tim Hortons Coffee or using a calculator. The candidate with the most balanced budget wins the challenge.

Episode two: The candidates travel to a nearby country where democracy has ceased to exist in any form and spend a week helping to set up an interim democratic government that runs the Canadian Way. The candidate who attracts the most attention from the foreign country’s press wins the challenge.

Episode three: Candidates debate “the big issues” while stoned and wearing tank tops. Note: must be BC marijuana.

Episode four: The candidates fight over whose turn it is to put out the garbage; Paul has a breakdown; Jack and Belinda bond during a leaf-raking session on the front lawn. The candidates must each sing O Canada in tune, in English and French. Daniel Lanois judges.

Episode five: Belinda tries to get Jack to join her in an alliance against Paul. Jack refuses and reminds Belinda that no one in Canada is to say the word “alliance” for at least 10 years. The candidate challenge is to fake a serious illness and get treatment in an underfunded Toronto hospital. The candidate who gets the fastest treatment wins the challenge. Disguises are used so that no one recognizes the candidates.

Episode six: Election day! As a final challenge, the candidates are sent to vote but each is given a disability; Belinda is blind, Paul is deaf, Jack is in a wheelchair. The election results are broadcast live, pulling in a whopping 17 million viewers. Better than Canadian Idol!

Someone found my site with the following query:

I lost my car in my dream then someone else found it what does it mean.

1. Is it a poem? Maybe a new Nickelback song?
2. What kind of results are you hoping for with a search string like that?
3. WOW I totally had that dream last night! But I won’t bother searching for the meaning because it’ll just take me to my own site and something I wrote a year ago.

In my dream, I first lost $1,100 that belonged to my employer. It turned out I didn’t actually lose it; the catt hid it. I found it and put it in my car and then when I stopped at McDonald’s for a McGriddle, my car got stolen. And the money, too. Damn catts.

Also

Dear CBC,

I do not want you to use my tax dollars to broadcast more Cirque du Soleil. Is that really a viewer draw on an Oscar night? Do you think Canadian TV viewers don’t know how to use a VCR? We’re all watching the Oscars to see Jack Layton’s commercial. We want to tape Da Vinci’s Inquest. We don’t want to tape Cirque du Soleil. If I wanted to see Cirque du Soleil, not only is it playing all the fucking time on every other channel and touring 17 different incarnations of itself at any given time, it plays in Las Vegas. If I ever see Cirque du Soleil, it will be live and in Las Vegas. Do not play live theatre on television. Play things that are made for television on television. Like television shows. Like my GODDAMN DA VINCI.

Thank you very much.

Ah, what a bright, sunshiny leap day. Lots of leaps to all you froggies.

Now go here to meet the Coruro.

“…He also dreams. When he’s deeply asleep, he’ll go through 5 to 10 minute periods where he dreams. He’ll wiggle his hands and feet, his whiskers twitch, his mouth twitches like he’s eating something or trying to make noise..”

I. Want. One.

Some news stories from today that are completely unrelated to one another. Or ARE THEY?

From the Hey! Those sneaky bastards! files:
“Children’s waistlines have expanded at least four centimetres — the equivalent of two clothing sizes — in the past 20 years, with most of the increase coming in the past five years, according to a new study. The research, published today inthe Archives of Disease in Childhood, provides further proof that children are getting fatter at an alarming rate, and girls more so than boys. It also helps explain why children’s clothing is getting larger, baggier and more elastic.”

From the Hmmm. Low Carb pancake syrup? files
“Because low-carb diets restrict grains, pastas, fruits and starchy vegetables, this shift in eating patterns is having a marked effect on sales of foods such as bread, potatoes and juice, and they have inspired a vast array of new products…”

I hope hope hope! they genetically engineer a low-carb potato. Because then when I have died from apoplexy I can leave this good earth knowing that at least people will keep eating potatoes. Mmmm! Potatoes rule!

From the Road Trip! files:
“Premji said the sweet treats are intended to be “an indulgence and a treat” and the company always encourages people to lead a “balanced lifestyle.” However, Premji himself can’t seem to get enough of his product and admits to eating six original glazed doughnuts every day, but “not all at once.”
Each one of those doughy rings has 199 calories and 12 grams of fat, according to Krispy Kreme’s nutritional listings.”

I hope someone engineers a low-carb Krispy Kreme doughnut because then if I don’t die of apoplexy, I will die laughing, laughing, laughing like a 3 year old who has just heard the “why did the chicken cross the road?” joke for the first time.

Today’s best spam subject line is:

Beasty Whore is Ready
(something about underground zoo movies? I can’t even begin to imagine.)

or

Panicked Husky Ericsson

or possibly

Passerby Hamster.

However, the day is still young and fraught with possibilities.