Stop Me if You’ve Heard This One Before

Posted on 7/20/2005 by cheesefairy

Me: Hey, the moon is full…
Co-worker A: Good luck getting a reservation!

He claims it slipped right off his tongue like slime off Lorne Mayencourt’s shoulder. Who am I to argue?

Posted in funny | 1 Comment

The Cheeseblog – Laughing instead of Crying

Posted on 7/20/2005 by cheesefairy

I was struck this morning by how much new US Supreme Court nominee John Roberts looks like our own Canadian conservative jackass, Stephen Harper.

Is there a place where conservatives go to get their eyes replaced with zombie eyes?

I just had the best breakfast: a bed of tortilla chips topped with bacon, 2 fried eggs, some parmesan and a few globs of salsa. Better than a Bacon N’ Egger? Well, no. But a damn good substitute.

Posted in funny, outside | 3 Comments

I’m Half Blooded! Check it and See!

Posted on 7/12/2005 by cheesefairy

Yesterday a man was being interviewed on the CBC Radio One Afternoon Show (Priya Ramu-less for weeks, now!) and on first listen I thought he was pleading with kidnappers to return his teenage daughter. Suddenly I realized he was pleading with 14 people to return their illicitly acquired copies of the newest book in the Harry Potter series.

“Please!” he said, “We’ll give you an autographed copy at 12:01, July 16th! Don’t spoil the secret for the FANS!”

In case you haven’t heard, the Superstore in Coquitlam accidentally sold 14 copies of the new book A WEEK before its official release date. On account of the “embargo” agreed upon between the publisher and the booksellers all around the world, and lest this precious cargo fall into the hands of terrorists or drug dealers or speed readers or speedy drug dealing readers, Raincoast Books was making a public appeal to those who had bought the books to return them.

I’m mixed about this. Whatever gets more books to sell (meaning there will be more good books in the world and hooray for that) is a terrific thing. And in this age of whatever it is this age is now, it’s probably necessary to come up with gimmicky crap like this. And yes, at least people are talking about books a quarter as much as they’re talking about television. So books win!

But it is still annoying as fuck to hear the fakey, overwrought marketing executive go on and on about this flipping book. For one thing, it’s probably 900 pages long! Who’s going to have time to dig through it and find the secret and tell the world in the space of 4 days? If it’s your kid, well, kids can be tied up and kept quiet and if it’s a grown-up – hey, adults are too busy to read a Harry Potter book in a week. Done.

It’s like amateur acting. I hate amateur acting. This does not include any of the acting I have seen friends perform. I’m talking about “Waiting for Guffman.” (that movie … I can’t watch it … it makes me squirm) I’m talking about on Christmas Eve when the weather reporters on the radio pretend they’re picking up Santa on the radar – GOD I hate that! I’m talking about: “I am preTENDING to be the sorrowful BUTTERfly in this MOURNful, modern, HIP HOP rendition of MISS SAIGON!” Starring Snoop and Farrell, feat. Dave Navarro!

Um. Yeah.

The similarity between bad acting and bad marketing is: people trying too hard. People letting the Great Idea they had take over the message they are trying to convey.

Not that books sell themselves and should be left to do so; far from it. But, you know, MY first book won’t sell itself. J.K. Rowling’s 8th book? Probably it’ll do okay.

Posted in idiots | 2 Comments

Watch ME Rock, Mr. Navarro! Watch ME!

Posted on 7/11/2005 by cheesefairy

I think half the contestants on Mark Burnett’s new slice O pie, “Rock Star,” are Carole Pope in disguise.

You figure this show is made for me, right? Interested as I am in bad television and being a rock star? So I’m giving it a chance. 15 young hopefuls in a many-weeked audition to win, um, EARN the chance to be the lead singer for INXS. I’m sitting here, giving it a chance.

– Some Australian boy who looks like Frodo just beat the shit out of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

“Nirvana…is a tough one to tackle,” says the uber-creepy co-host Dave Navarro. He keeps making the rock N roll finger salute and rolling his eyes (his beautiful eyes). It’s gone beyond cliche now. It’s cliche puree.

– Oooh! Someone’s being Courtney Love. I think it’s Avril Lavigne. Peh-tooey.

– Ooooh! A young South Carolinan (Carolinian?) is doing “Heroes”. He’s doing “Heroes” up the bum, actually. Poor heroes.

INXS. Who cares who leads INXS? It’s not like anyone is going to forget that Michael Hutchence existed. (or, er, how he died.) I think it would be polite of INXS to form a new band. With a lead singer its own age.

The Tampax Pearl commercials assure me that a leak would be worse but I don’t know about that.

Did you see that commercial? With the girl and boy on a date in the boat and there’s a leak so the girl plugs it with her tampon which she takes from her BOX of tampons that she has taken with her on a date? Prepared for anything, today’s woman.

– They’re eliminating the first rock star wannabe. There isn’t any flame to extinguish like on Survivor; just an acid washed rock star who takes the time to get down on one knee to send the first contestant home – but doesn’t take the time to remove his sunglasses. Bye bye shrieky lady. The shrieky lady did Knock Knock Knocking on Heaven’s Door and near the end she fell to her knees and shrieked and moaned at the sky. It wasn’t nice.

I know you’re wondering who the host is. I know because I was wondering too. Brooke Bunns. Burke. Brooke Burke. She walked in the room and everyone went, “Oooooh!” One of the man contestants said, “I mean – we walk into this mansion! And it’s Brooke Burke!”

I’ll save you the trouble of clicking again. She appears places for a living; EA video games; celebrity lifestyle specials, like “Life is Great With Brooke Burke;” the red carpet. And so naturally this morphed into her own clothing line. And best of all, she’s married to the doctor from Extreme Makeover! Imagine: extreme makeovers whenever you wanted them! What a life.

Posted in music, television | Comments Off on Watch ME Rock, Mr. Navarro! Watch ME!

Correction & Observation & Alert

Posted on 7/10/2005 by cheesefairy

1. The spelling matron inside me will not allow the mistake in yesterday’s post to stand. It’s BenAdryl. (And it still kicks chin-itch ass.)

2. It’s so very summer. Finally.

3. A new advisory letter was issued to health care professionals and Health Canada at the end of June about Depo-Provera, the once-every-three-months injectible birth control.

In November, a first letter came from manufacturers Pfizer, acknowledging that long-term use of Depo diminishes bone density and leads to osteoporosis, particularly in women who have been using the drug during their bone-building teenage & young adult lives. People were advised to supplement their Depo use with Vitamin D, weight-bearing exercise and increased calcium intake.

This new advisory says the same thing but is worded with more strength:

“Patients should be aware that DEPO-PROVERA should be used as a birth control method or endometrial treatment only if other treatments have been considered to be unsuitable or unacceptable and should be used for the shortest period of time possible.”

Consider that the above was written by the folks who stand to make or lose money from the product, people who, to my mind, would sooner understate than alarm, and the “advisory” starts to sound more like the bells at the Vatican on a Pope’s funeral day.

Coincidentally, Pfizer also makes my new boyfriend, Benadryl. And a lot of other stuff.

Posted in my itchiness, outside, serious | Comments Off on Correction & Observation & Alert