Verbatim

Ultrasound technician, digging madly at my midsection: Darn baby! Won’t turn around for me. Come…on…TURN! (pokes hard) Come on!
Me: It’s sleeping…
UT: Well, I got a really good profile shot. But I need a head on shot too. I need it to turn. (cajoling) Come on baby….come on baby…
Me: Funny – with my son’s ultrasound we couldn’t get good shots of him because he was moving around so much. This one’s just lying there. Chillin’.
UT: (grits teeth) FINE. I’m moving down to measure its legs. OH COME ON.
Me: Hmm?
UT: It’s legs are crossed. Look! Perfectly cross-legged. So comfortable.
Me: (laughing) Little yoga baby.
UT: Harumph.

– time passes –

UT: All right. (pokes hard) TURN.
Me: Hey – it’s turning –
UT: YES! There…there…there’s its eye and there’s
Me: Good lord!
UT: There, there’s the lens of the eye
Me: Ack!
SA: It’s an alien!
UT: There’s a great shot for you (clicks keyboard). OK – we’re done!

It’s a good thing I know how these things turn out because this is the most terrifying portrait I have ever seen and it doesn’t help to think that its subject is inhabiting my body.