Who’s a Clever Monkey, Then?

I went to see the boots yesterday at House Of Tall and Freaky. I liked the boots. I bought the boots. They are knee-high and shiny and someone today told me they make my feet look big but you know what? My feet ARE big. I wouldn’t try to disguise my height by slouching. I wouldn’t try to hide my big hands. I am PROUD of my giant feet. They keep me upright and for this I am grateful beyond measure.

I wore the boots today to work because it was Big Meeting Day and as I am the one at Big Meeting who gets up from her chair every two minutes to turn the lights down, start the Powerpoint, turn on the TV and VCR, turn off the TV and VCR, turn the lights up, not to mention frequent trips to the coffee and snack station for the free food I am earning, I like to look presentable.

Finished the meeting with my brain mostly intact. Carried the hideously heavy laptop back to the office (Dear Dell, Why are you making your computers out of stainless steel and cement? Try using modern plastics like Apple! Seriously, my Apple laptop weighs 5 lbs and the Dell I was hauling all over town weighs more than my 16.5 month old toddler, the child of a woman with very large feet. That shit ain’t right, Dell.) I took the train to the bus to the daycare and got not-so-wee Trombone fastened in the car over his pleas for “cackoo! cackoo!” (cookie), made it home without having too much trouble breathing, let us into the house, greeted the catt, set Trombone free to find whatever he was looking for in the living room – probably the remote control – and removed my coat and

…almost eviscerated myself with my own flesh when I tried to bend double to remove my boot.

‘Cause. Y’know. I have this belly? And it makes it kind of hard to BEND OVER, like, say, to remove a boot. And here I had completely blocked out the reason all the shoes that actually fit me are SLIP ON SHOES.

Sometimes I wonder why they pay me the big bucks and then I remember: I am a genius!

Oh well. There’s always 2009. In 2009 I look forward to having brand new boots without having to spend any money.