PS: Stop Peeing on Me

Dear Son,

There is good reason generations of babies have chosen their thumbs, specifically, for sucking (until they are agile enough to reach their feet and/or old enough for lollipops and cigarettes).

Please, take a moment to examine your own thumb now. See how plump it is, compared to your other fingers? This makes it the most satisfying digit to suck; the one with the best “mouth-feel” if you like. It is also the most like your source of both food and comfort, the nipple. MY nipple. The one that is attached to my body and I swear to god shall remain attached no matter what fabulous hheadbanging moves you learned on “Behind the Music: Slayer.” (Who gave you the remote control anyway? The catt?)

Now, look at the other fingers on your hand. (no, it doesn’t matter which hand, they are the same) They are thinner, are they not? They are thinner and longer than your perfectly engineered thumb. Thus, when you attempt to suck your fingers instead of your thumb, not only do you require the insertion of more than one finger in order to make your soother satisfactorily thick, but you WILL, and I cannot emphasize this enough, apparently, trigger your gag reflex and choke and then cry.

Yes, your fist is breathtaking. I adore it. However, with your whole fist in your mouth, all you are doing is forming a seal. I appreciate that the drool then stays in your mouth but I am less keen on the ocean which then flows out once you have removed your fist and begun, again, to cry from frustration.

I know. It’s hard.

To recap:

Your fingers are too long for soothing suckling.

Your fist is too big.

Your thumb is perfect.

love,
yr mother
who is just trying to help.