Contains Overpunctuation, Overdiscussion of Television and Mention of Unmentionables

The 7th cycle of America’s Next Top Model started the other night. No, I wasn’t g – oh, of course I was going to watch it. Especially because on the Tyra Banks show that day, she had a Cycle 6 reunion (like anyone needed to see that monster Jade again?) and showed a preview of the Cycle 7 house, a house which is modelled (ha ha!) after a Tyra Banks Magazine. Further proof that Tyra is hoping to carve off a piece of Oprah for her very own? Not needed.

But wait, there is more; Tyra shared her beauty secrets I think last week? And at the end of the show – oh did she keep us guessing the whole time? yes! – she gave everyone in the audience a small silver box, the contents of which were Her Best Secretest Beauty Secret!! And they all opened their boxes at the same time and lo it was Vaseline! But the containers were all BeDazzled and shiny with the Swarovski crystals. And Tyra ran up and down the isle of her audience (all of whom standing, shrieking – albeit confusedly – for the cameras about WOW! VASELINE!) waving her Vaseline jar in the air, screaming “Everybody gets Vaseline! EVERYBODY GETS VASELINE!” and then she lay on the floor of the isle and waved her arms and legs in the air like a flipped beetle, laughing madly and continuing to scream, “MY BEST BEAUTY SECRET! EVERYONE GETS VASELINE!” and it was then that I thought: Tyra is mocking someone. I wonder who.

ANTM started this week and I watched all two hours of the premiere. Good gravy, was my brain sloshy after that. So it’s a white girl’s turn to win (alternate – black girl, white girl) and I think Megan or A.J. What do you think?

Every cycle I ask: will this be the cycle the prospective models have a tampon commercial challenge? Don’t make me write you, Tyra. I’ll do it.

Here’s my idea for a tampon/pad commercial. It’s like the Dove commercial using the real women (you know, the one where they’re real women but they’re still selling tightening cream?) – a bunch of fresh-faced young lovelies. Each one gets a closeup and says:

“Blue water? Nuh uh.”
“Blue water? Nope.”
“Blue water? Never.”
“Blue water? I wish!”

and the last one, the spokeswoman, leans into the camera and says confidentially,

“I don’t know about you. But when I have my period? I bleed. And it’s not blue.”

Voiceover:

“XYZ Product: For women who bleed blood.”

I think that’s the best way to demystify the whole process, no?

The other day was September 18th. All day I kept thinking: what is this day? It is such a familiar date to me. Like a birthday – or someone’s wedding? Then I remembered: it is the first day of my last period. (hello family and friends who came for baby updates! there is a photo at the bottom of this page) Whether you’re pregnant, getting an annual exam or asking a question about the bump on your toe, one thing the health care practitioner always asks women of a certain age is “What was the first day of your last period?” So I’ve mentioned September 18th quite a few times throughout the past year. And now I’ve told the Internet so I’m done.

Bye.

Oh wait, speaking of blue water. I’m confounded by this commercial that I see during the day. It’s a diaper commercial for something like the “cool alert” diaper or something. The kid is toilet training and he’s got a diaper on that goes cold when he pees in it? So how does this help him? Isn’t it too late once he’s already started peeing? Shouldn’t there be a pre-pee-alert system? I’d buy that. Trombone pees on me all the time. I’m thinking of something that goes “ah-OOGA! ah-OOGA!”

Also, the same company (I think it’s Huggies) has a line of “easy” bathroom products for toilet training children. One of the products is a box of wipes, which is “so much easier than tangling with toilet paper.” Now granted I’ve been using toilet paper for 30 years or so and I might just be used to it. Is it really that hard for small children to figure out a roll of toilet paper?

No I’m serious. Is it? Cause my kid’s a freaking genius, yo.

(that’s a Tandy 102 laptop, for those of you who care)