Dispatches from the Couch

Now, System of a Down, you know I love you. You know I embrace your krazy klezmer thrash prog whatnot. Shrieking “dis-ORDER! dis-ORDER! dis-OHOHOHORDER!” is how you express your true disgust for the downward spiral you see the world participating in and I respect that. You’re a really unstable group of men and I respect that, too.

But I just heard a track of yours – actually I watched a video, the one where you guys are on a shiny, tin can tour bus looking very maudlin, driving through cities that are in flames – and I don’t remember the title but there was a chorus that included the line “the most loneliest day of my life.” And I just can’t forgive that. That is a shitty line and it doesn’t do you justice.

OK and Blue October? Where the hell did you come from? And who cuts your hair?

Now I’m watching another band, Evans Blue, – that sounds just like Blue October perform in another video shot in the same colour… you know that look that would be sepia if it was brown but actually it’s blue? Sepia blue? Is there a word for that? Is it because they both have “blue” in their band names? And are mohawks back?

Another question: what is a “Ne-Yo?” (according to his biography and in his own words: “Heaven took a melody, gave it a soul, gave it a mission, put it on earth and named it Ne-Yo.” Ah.) Anyway, he just told his girlfriend that she’s too damn sexy when she’s mad so he’s just going to have to kiss her and take off all her clothes. I don’t think Ne-Yo and I would get along very well.

I remember when “indie” referred to bands that were good, undiscovered and not top 40 material. Like System of a Down 10 years ago. Or Technicians of the Sacred. But I guess now it just means “unsigned.” For example, Muchmusic just said “Indie Cut!” and then played a vid for a song called “Uh Oh,” by a woman named Rosette, who sounds a lot like a pre-Diddy J.Lo:

Your kiss makes me go “uh oh”
Your love makes me go “uh oh”
Your smile makes me go “uh oh”
Your tendency to pat me on the head when I get angry with you for very good reason makes me go “uh oh”

Sarah organized a mail-in baby shower for me recently, all the way from Moncton, New Brunswick. Friday was the day to mail me things and I have already received 5 parcels! The postman came to my door twice yesterday and rang my doorbell (just once each time). Thank you to all of you who are participating! I will arrange the many splendid gifts and photograph them so you may share in the long distance baby shower joy. But please, no episiotomy stories. That’s one of the reasons I don’t like real life baby showers.

And thank you to all of you who are still reading, even though I am rapidly losing my ability to write about anything of consequence.

I went swimming today! There is a pool two blocks away so I went to check it out. I have this to say about swimming at 37.5 weeks pregnant and up 40 lbs from the last time I went swimming: Gravity is a Bitch. Once I remembered how to swim, I swam and I swam and I swam – I even moved out of the old-men-chatting lane and into the lane where the real swimmers are. And then half an hour had passed and I thought: Mm, probably don’t want to over-exert myself. So I got out of the pool and nearly fell over because BAM those 40 lbs were back!

Aaaaand….snack time.