Scary Things To Say To Co-workers After Blowing your Nose Noisily for the 17th Time Today for the 11th Straight Day

1. (examine tissue closely) I just know there’s a pony in there somewhere!

2. (wave tissue at co-worker) Don’t worry, I’m totally not contagious anymore!

4. (while co-worker continues to stare, wave tissue more emphatically) Boogeda boogeda boogeda!! I love the cocaine! I love the cocaine!

5. (singing often works in an office environment. try this, to the tune of “Sexuality” by Billy Bragg)

Snot-snot-snot-ot-y
warm and clear and wet and free
snot-snot-snot-ot-y
why will you not leave me be?

6. It’s the mucous membranes. They’re overproducing all through my body. (wait a moment for this to sink in) Of course, not in this quantity in other parts of my body, thank god. (wave tissue vaguely in direction of crotch)

Usually this clears them out. The gawkers, that is, not the snot. The snot is here to stay.