Bird Snot is Bad For You

Rick Cluff interviewed a man on the Early Edition today, a doctor by the name of Michael A. Noble. It caught my ear because the doctor was promoting his “flu prevention package” (not verbatim) which consists of tissues, a paper bag for disposing of the tissues once used (“So no one else has to handle your used tissues”) and a bottle of alcohol gel for on-the-go hand washing. There may be more included – I don’t remember clearly. I was laughing too hard at the concept of a “package” of such items being assembled for sale, as well as its price ($14). It made me think of pet rocks.

(To his credit, he claims the packages are much cheaper if purchased in bulk. He suggests they be purchased for airlines, restaurants & other places where lots of people might be a-flu-ing.)

I also noticed that the good doctor seemed reluctant to acknowledge that a flu pandemic is imminent. His response to a question about a pandemic sounded a lot like, “Hmm, well, they’ve been predicting a pandemic for years now and it hasn’t happened yet…” with lots of doubtful hedging. This is so contrary to everything I have heard or read over the last 2 years – and that’s just since I’ve been paying attention. If the doctors and community health specialists I work with heard him say that, well, they’d tie his hands behind his back and pour alcohol gel down his throat until he choked. I’m guessing.

Later, I visited the website: stopspreadinginfluenza.com (“all one word”) and was temporarily struck dumb by the safety orange banner, the mean blonde doctor and the announcement: “Infected birds shed virus in saliva, nasal secretions and feces…” Are viruses shed? Like hair? Neat! But. I should avoid sneezing birds! Good tip! Someone get that crow a tissue. And a paper bag with which to dispose of its tissue.

And as I read through the site, I began to wonder if it had been babelfished from its original Urdu. For example:

“Young children bring home viruses all the time, because that is what they do. They pick them up from daycare, friends, family, and school. And they pass them on to you. [I do like the greeting-card-esque poetry here.] You can reduce your chances of getting influenza by having regular flu vaccine, but that will do nothing for all the cold and other virus they shed and share.”

(More shedding!) So, but what we’re talking about is flu, right? Do I care about preventing the common cold when what I am at your website to learn about is stopspreadinginfluenza? Why are you distracting me with other illnesses? Flu vaccine won’t stop me from getting cancer, either, but you’re not talking about that.

I pondered its assortment of Big Useless Advice like,

“Family life is busy enough, especially when the kids have a cold. Don’t make things harder by catching their cold or flu.” (Oh, okay. I never really thought about it that way. I just like to share EVERYTHING my little munchkin brings home. So – no flu then? No licking their snotty noses? Got it.)

and my favourite, from the “Office” page:

“The challenge is how to remind your client, your colleague, your friend that given a choice, you would rather not catch their cold or flu. Having alcohol gel immediately nearby with a welcome invitation can be a tactful and gentle reminder. Having a back for soiled tissues readily available, can solve a lot of embarrassment.”

Hey, Bob! Happy Friday! Got plans for the weekend? Given a choice, I would rather not catch your flu. Here, have some of my gel! Don’t worry, it’s clean!

I finally clued in, after umpty repetitions of “colds and flu can be prevented by handwashing” and “have your alcohol gel ready for sharing,” that what they’re really pushing is the alcohol gel and their “chat live with a doctor” service, which you can purchase “tickets” for at the website. They’re not trying to inform or educate, just to sell more gel and “prevention packages.” The whole thing is a big, shiny piece of spam, masquerading as a website and backed by the credentials of Drs. Noble and Godley. (no, seriously, those are their names) Too bad Cluffy was too weak after his own bout with ‘flu to catch on.