Speaking of Caustic Substances

Now I really want to eat this. Is it wrong?

In the week leading up to an election, I think the people who are running for office should have to stop campaigning. They could take the week to sleep, eat, swim, suntan. Then, come election day, they would be rested and capable. Their acceptance/concession speeches would be delivered with full emotional breadth rather than near-hysterical shouting, sweating and podium-pounding stemming from exhaustion.

We voters would be able to sit back for that last week and reflect on the campaign, on our values, on how best to get what we want. We would have a week of peace, free from the poisonously catchy jingles and bad acting of election advertisements. We could pretend all the election/scandal/non-confidence/election hooplah was over and we were already lolling in the calm after the storm where government is productive and serves its people. (If you need me, I’ll be sitting on the beach of Utopia Island, removing the solid gold shells from succulent crabs, thinking about our federal day-care system and drinking bellinis made of tropical nectar. Non-alcoholic bellinis.)

As I do fiction or film or television that insists on explaining things to me, insulting my ability to reason, I have grown to resent the intrusion of media in my decision-making process around elections. It’s like a director’s commentary playing in the background of a movie. Only once have I sat through such a commentary; it was for Jaws and it was Steven Spielberg going on and on about what a genius he is and how he didn’t want to use a fake shark for this scene but the studio made him do it. Not everything needs to be analyzed and explained. (and I am an over-analyzer & hyper-explainer so you can trust me on this.)

And yes, of course, I can turn off the director’s commentary and I can avoid the television and radio. I could live in a little bubble where media doesn’t intrude. But then I’d have nothing to complain about.

Who needs to see the dying thrusts of an election campaign? Who wants to hear the desperate tone in the leaders’ voices as they attempt to refute each others’ claims of negligence, corruption, testicle-less-ness, etc? It’s not as though we are learning anything important about these guys at this point except that they crack under pressure, as do we all. The real information is in their platforms, in their histories, in what they said and did when the whole country wasn’t watching.

Watching them flail makes me uncomfortable; I’m embarrassed for their last-ditch efforts, like when the guy in the sitcom does the dumb, cringe-worthy thing, and you have to squint your eyes a little because it hurts to watch someone, even a fictional character, say or do something so asinine. Hush your mouths and let’s get on with it.