Until today I had no idea how much genuine evil made up The Surreal Life. It was funny to me in a conceptual way, like, “losers on tv! ha!” but I had no intention of ever seeing the concept through to its end: the actual show.
But today when I was eating my lunch, the only things on TV were: curling, live broadcast of the Vatican and the plastic surgery show, so I watched The Surreal Life 3. That’s the one with the New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight, Flavor Flav, Brigitte Nielsen, some random hottie, Dave from Full House and a lunatic called Charo. Let me just say: I don’t remember the last time I actually hit myself in the head to lessen the pain while watching television.
In a quest to find out who the random hottie was and why Brigitte Nielsen counted for anything anymore and Woah! what’s a Charo? I learned the following fun facts, facts you probably have known about for months because you are all smart people who pay attention to all aspects of pop culture not just the aspects that actively affect you but that I will share with you nonetheless because I am flabbergoozled by them:
1. Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen had their own spin-off show because they fell in love on the Surreal Life 3. The episode that I watched today was the one where they cuddle in a jacuzzi. SHUDDER SHUDDER SHUDDER. Brigitte Nielsen is 7 feet tall, as wide as my grimace and has knockers that could seriously injure those with compromised immunity. Flavor Flav still wears giant clocks around his neck, does not appear to have any of his real teeth and is the size of a vente Frappuccino. (Actually I think my co-worker tried to warn me about this months ago and I just put my fingers in my ears and hummed louder.) Apparently Brigitte married an Italian man in March of this year. It is my hope that Flav has gone back to school to learn how to dress and tell time from a wristwatch.
2. Ryan is the hottie’s name and she is the girl from American Idol who likes to Rock Them Out. She calls people “dog” a lot. She used to be inspired by torch singers like Ella Fitzgerald but then she discovered rock-n-roll and now she wants to be a big major rock star because a) where is the Pat Benatar of our generation and b) “why cant girls rock the stage too?” Valid questions, both.
3. Charo has been famous for 50 years and plays a mean flamenco guitar. She has a show in Las Vegas.
4. Jordan Knight is flabbier than when he was 15.
5. Reality TV is eating itself. Putting someone from American Idol on another reality show is one thing, but for The Surreal Life 4, they have harvested Adrianne Curry, America’s First Next Top Model. I guess the whole ANTM thing didn’t get her the fame she wanted. But HOY what’s next? Surreal Life 5, which stars America’s First Supermodel, Janice Dickinson, also known for her recent attempts to boost her own sagging career by viciously attacking the hopefuls on America’s Next Top Model as a judge.
There are some people? And they need to burn. That’s all I’m saying.
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