From my desk drawers: $5.65 in Canadian Tire money and two packets of Inferior, Made in Canada Taco Bell Hot Sauce. Everything else got thrown away. Oh, except for the white eraser that is called “Magic Rub.”
On Thanksgiving weekend, which is about many things, including abundance, it is rewarding to throw things away. In preparation for The Great Move 2004, we are tossing things out recklessly. Then, some things are worth keeping (or, in my case, continuing to keep) – Silly Putty that still works, a picture of an old friend that wasn’t in the goop with all the other pictures but stuck between some old poetry, the (cringe, spit, wail) old poetry itself. Saint Aardvark will be moving his 4 litre container of “Yellow Mustard,” to the new place. He has already moved it three times and he has already practised the argument with me (he did my part, too) where I tell him how silly it is and then he puts his foot down and then we don’t talk for a week. So I’m saving myself the angst and we’re moving the mustard back downtown.
I meant to tell you – a couple of weeks ago I streaked my hair. It was one of those home kits with the plastic cap with the holes in it and it came with a crochet hook and then you pull the hair through the cap and bleach the strands.
OK so finding food to eat that has no wheat, dairy, garlic, onion or alcohol is Hard (but I bet I smell much better). I had this image in my head of the extensive selection of health foods available at my local supermarche. That image was totally on crack. The health food section only looks big when you’re trying to get past it to something more interesting, kind of like an SUV on the highway.
I finally found cheese (grimace) with no cheese in it – Tofutti? I think? It is the only fake cheese that contains no casein – a dairy protein present in all the other fake cheeses. Why would you put a dairy protein in a food that is meant for people who cannot consume dairy? The same reason you would make a padded bra all the way up to size 38D, I guess.
Tofutti comes in slices wrapped in plastic, like Kraft slices. I bought the “American Flavour.” It was that or the “Mozzarella Flavour.” Knowing that mozzarella has no flavour but Americans do, it was an obvious choice. Oddly, they taste just like Kraft slices. Melt as well, too.
I also bought a loaf of bread. I am currently using it as a doorstop, while I work up the appetite for a sandwich. It is made of kamut, spelt and Live, Crawly Bacteria – but no yeast or flour. It cost me $5.99 and it tastes like wholegrain sourdough. One piece a day will keep me filled right up and not thinking about cheese. The bitch of it is, I had to buy it in a health food store, in the Atkins Section. Fuckers. Your Diet will Not Touch Me!
The other night, I ate corn pasta. Apparently it is a finicky beast, the corn pasta. You must taste it repeatedly while it boils to make sure it does not overcook or you will end up with pasta with the taste and texture of boiled tortilla chips. There’s my corn pasta tip for the day.
But today we ate turkey:
and potato pie:
The potato pie was gourmet. It was whipped potatoes in a pie shape, with breadcrumbs and shallots in the middle. No, I did not avoid wheat, dairy, garlic, onions or alcohol today. How could I? My dad has four tanker trucks of wine in his basement. Also, he made a goose out of a rock and some nails:
We are watching Season Two of The Office. It is just as funny as Season One and just as painful as life. And I am also watching The Making of America’s Next Next Top Business Shark and also The Making of America’s Next Top Black Model. Oh yes, this year is the year of the black woman. Not plus-size year, sorry Toccara or blind girl year (what were you thinking?), sorry Amanda. They’re just leading you on. It’s Yaya all the way. Think – she’s black, skinny, sighted and smart. Onward.
More TV: Do not forget! On Tuesday, Da Vinci’s Inquest starts again. Praise be and pass the rum punch.