They’re Called Children Of the Corn For Good Reason

Where was I? Has it been a week? Trombone and Fresco came down with colds within a couple of days of each other and as usual, things grind to a halt when that happens. They’re functional and almost perfectly happy but taking them out involves more wiping apparatus than I am comfortable carrying, as well as constant vigilance re: their noses –

“Why is that lady staring at the kids? Do I know her? Oh I bet there’s green snot coursing down one of their faces. Ah, there we go.”

– as well as making sure they don’t smear across their faces and touch things and do things that, if they weren’t my children and I saw them in public, would make me feel nauseated. I have high standards, yo. So I stay home and make videos and wait for the day to end.

In other news, corn hates me. The vegetable, corn. You remember the cornmeal fiasco? I never updated that for you because I used the fresh cornmeal to try the bread again and it FAILED AGAIN and then SA offered to try it and I said, yeah, sure, but not right now because I need you to take the children so I can hit my head against this desk in peace. I knew he’d be able to make it work; I didn’t want to be mad about that too. Cornmeal: hates me. The end.

The other night I wanted a snack and I had no chips and I went into the cupboard and dug out the popcorn. I bought this popcorn recently, like, last fall, and I bought it at Costco so it’s Enough Popcorn For The Rest of My Life, which is unfortunate because it is fucking crazy. Yes, it is crazy popcorn, you heard me.

We have an air popper. I have had this air popper forever. Really, I don’t remember ever not having it. I think it was there when I took my first steps back in 1975. Popping happily.

I just realized I have no idea if I can describe the workings of this – or any – popcorn popper in words.

So it’s about a foot tall and it has two parts; the cannister that plugs in to the wall where you put the popcorn and the lid that serves as a chute, that the popcorn goes down and into a bowl. It used to also have a little cup that fits in a hole in the lid and you put butter in it so while the popper is on and all the heat is popping the corn, your butter is melting! Yay! But I lost the little cup so I just use a kid’s cup in that hole, anyway, irrelevant. It used to be – for the past 30 years – I would put a couple of handfuls of corn in the popper, plug it in, wait two minutes while the corn spun around and around in the bottom and an unholy noise filled the house. And then, the kernels would start to pop. Much like in a microwave, they would pop, one, two, three, fourfivesixseveneightninetybazillion POPCORN! The popped corn filled the cannister and when it got to the top, it would gently spill down the chute into the bowl below. Yes, just like the world’s tiniest popcorn waterfall. Then I would unplug the popper and pour on the butter and get on with it.

The other night was my third try making popcorn with the new Costco corn. The first two times I hoped were flukes, but as the exact same thing happened each time, I am going to use my powers of super-intuition and say no. Not flukes. Each time happened exactly as follows:

Put the popcorn in the receptacle. Plug it in. Listen to the corn go around and around and around. Wait. Go slightly deaf. Wonder if perhaps the machine is broken. Butter starts to melt so heat is hot enough. Then suddenly: PIU! An unpopped kernel comes shooting out of the waterfall chute. PIU! PIU! PIU! Those little fuckers! They are a) hot! b) small! c) going fast! One hits me on the arm, another lands on my bare foot. PIU! PIU! PIU!PIU!PIU!PIU! I am dancing like in those war movies where people get their feet shot at. And then, the actual popping starts. But it’s half-assed. Every fifth kernel is popping; the other four are shooting like missiles all over my kitchen. The popped kernels are spitting out all over the place. They are not spilling like a waterfall! Not at all!

It tastes fine, once you stop shaking. But see, I think snacks are supposed to be relaxing as well as tasty. I snack before bed. I do not want to have corn nightmares.

So, does anyone know what I can do with 3.6 kg of Gourmet Popping Corn Of Satan? It expires May 29, 2010. (What the hell was I thinking? Even if it was not of Satan, how could anyone eat that much popcorn in less than a year?) And yes, it has occurred to me that the popper might be pooched but a) the popcorn right before this popcorn worked fine and b) I am afraid to try a different method (ie: in oil on a stove) because then I might have hot oily kernels hitting me in the face and 2010 is not the year I want to go blind. Alternately, is there something I should know about the compatibility of corn with Aquarian Tigers who are about to turn 36? Any feedback appreciated.