This is how we rock it in the R-Dot!

The other night as I was watching the incredibly disappointing “recap” episode of The Making of America’s Next Top Model, I saw a commercial for some brand of “female troubles product” whose sole reason for advertising itself was to let us know that it now comes packaged in a “less noisy wrapper.” I think it was Kotex, but a quick look at the red dot (is that anything like the T-Dot?) site revealed no such claim.

Kotex does have lots of other very funny products for sale, including the Kotex Security Regular Absorbency Tampons for days when the national security advisory is at orange level or below, and the Kotex Security Super Plus Absorbency Tampons (US Only..duh) for when the security advisory is more like MR PRESIDENT! THERE ARE TERRORISTS IN MY PANTS!

There wasn’t a lot of room for too much more indignation, what with the cheaping out of the ANTM episode, the rerun of Scrubs that was on (even though it was the very funny 2 episodes with Michael J. Fox) and the really windy day. I would have let it go but for the next commercial, for tampons (that’s where the title bar says “for girls and their issues”) with this 12 year old telling me if only I didn’t have to hamper my personal clothing style once a month I could get more lovin’ from the boys. There were several pre-teen girls in tight clothes, gallivanting on the beach and then one of them had to walk alone, wearing overalls, because she had her period. But with a tampon and a thong-liner (in black, to match her knickers) she could be just as tightly-clothed and beloved as her friends! Because being a girl rocks! Unless anyone finds out you’re being a girl! Shhhhhh!

No, that’s not new. I mean, I’m a mite surprised at how young the emancipated tampon users are in this commercial; they seem more like cereal commercial age. There’s not enough time in the world to sort through all the crappy tampon advertising. But then I started getting all wound up about the “less noisy wrapper.”

I just can’t understand why the great minds of our generation are holed up in labs engineering disposable dish cloths, low carb pancake mix and less noisy pad wrappers. To help us what – perpetuate the myth that women don’t bleed? So that women can hide FROM OTHER WOMEN (unless you’re in one of those co-ed public bathrooms…) the fact that they are bleeding and unwrapping a pad from a wrapper to stick into their undergarments? C’mon Kotex, you took a big step with the whole red dot thing. Until then, we all thought we were abnormal because the blood we bled wasn’t blue like in the commercials. Is it all just a game to you? Kimberly? Clark?

For fuck’s sake. Take your faux-empowerment and shove it up your hoo-hoo.

If you are a bleeding age female, do yourself a favour and check out the Keeper . It rules. Plus, the people who sell it will not try to convince you that you’re smelly, ugly, gross or otherwise un-fly. I think that’s polite.

Here does conclude my ranting.

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