Toxic!

When I hear music that makes me bob my head like a pigeon, I don’t fight it. I listen and I love. That’s why I have a shameful heart-on for “senorita” by Justin T., “bootylicioius” by Destiny’s Child and “in da club” by 50 cent. Until yesterday, I was worried my head bobbing was only going to come courtesy of such manufactured pseudo-dancey hits as these, even when I am 70 years old with bad trousers, holding my arthritic finger to the pulse of pop, saying “this the shizzle” while the young folk laugh at me and shout “whatevs gramma” as they speed by on their air scooters.

BUT yesterday I heard “this love” by Maroon 5 and now I know I will be OK. These lads are the American, a-little-too-fleh version of Sloan (in vision, not in sound) but I don’t mind. They have messy, bad haircuts that cost $100, but their keyboard player wears a nice hat and they have some soul. I was a little put off when I read in their bio that they are friends with John Mayer. But everybody needs friends, right? That’s probably what they were thinking. That poor John – the girl with the wonderland-body has sold the rights to her “bubblegum tongue” to Disney and now he’s all alone.

Speaking of lines that make you go EEEWWWW in songs by artists you don’t like anyway, the “new” Nickelback (it’s in “quotes” because I am positive they use a song generator) single incudes the line: “let’s make love in the shower one last time.” I think it’s the word “shower” that bothers me. It’s too real. Everyone has a shower. I don’t want to picture Chad Kroeger in mine.

Also, he’s just one of those people that shouldn’t say “make love.” Actually, no one should say that in a rock song. I think it’s a pretty straightforward rule. Unless you’re transitioning to Celine Dion-style pop or you’re Bad Company.

The problem with Nickelback, if I was forced to identify the Big Overarching problem, is that their songs all sound the same so when you hear one, your brain goes into a crazy tailspin medley of all of them and then you can’t stop and all the lyrics get jumbled up and make even less sense and you get images like “i like your pants around your knees when we’re making love in the shower one last time” and then that fucking guitar solo kicks in and your eyes pop out of your head and no WONDER Mr. Kroeger is so grumpy! He has to perform this shit! If he smiled, he might never be able to stop laughing at how ridiculous it all is. Gotta keep a straight face.

I have the antidote: Maroon 5. Even the catt likes it and he is very particular. He never did feel the love from “hey ya.” But then, he’s also scared of fruit.