A Round for All My Friends

Dudes. I need to know EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY for EVERY SINGLE ONE of you. Female readers only, plz. Penises need not apply. Because I am going to buy up the entire stock of “It’s Not the Age, It’s the Attitude!” Dolly Mama’s (sic) and give them away to you. Just like Oprah! Cheesefairy’s year of giving starts NOW!

OK, you’re right. I am being sarcastic.

But look: Celebrate your carefree spirit with this zany new Dolly Mama’s figurine, “It’s Not the Age, It’s the Attitude!” Every humourous detail will leave you laughing, from this sassy sister’s stylish hat and oversized martini, to her whimsical sign that says it all. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to be left laughing by an oversized martini? Zany chicks.

Actually, martinis. (or is it “Martini’s”? NO IT IS NOT) Hm. No, nevermind.

What I don’t understand, because dollymama.com is currently experiencing an SQL problem, is why there is a possessive apostrophe involved in this trainwreck of a mantle ornament. Calling a line of strange, sassy, purple and red female figurines (the) Dolly Mamas is bad enough (really. Bad. Enough.) but why you gotta punctuate like that?

Or is there a grammatical thingeemadoo that I am unfamiliar with? I am pretty slaphazard when it comes to grammar. I vaguely recall something about words ending in a vowel having different pluralization rules than everyone else. Like the “if you think people might get confused by this then you can break the rules of grammar for the sake of clarity.” Bah.

All of this reminds me that years ago I had an idea for a toy: Pocket Prophets. They would be little prophet figurines about GI Joe size and they would each come with a little scroll with an appropriate quotation from the Bible. Religious Action Figures! Collect them all! Years ago I thought this was crazy but now I am starting to wonder if perhaps it is not and I should go make a million dollars.

(A cursory google has revealed no such pre-existing toy. There is, however, a Christian metal band called Back Pocket Prophet. They’re not so bad. Y’know. For metal.)

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