I just got my post-mail. One bill, one White Spot flyer, one “Mary Maxim Needlework and Crafts” magazine addressed to Occupant (wha?) and one envelope from The Bay, marked Happy Birthday!
How nice! It almost is my birthday. The Bay is giving me a present! There are lots of things I would enjoy receiving from The Bay. Underwear. Shoes. A perfect cotton t shirt in black.
When I open the envelope, though, the first thing I see is a pamphlet that reads:
Finally. A Term Life Insurance Plan that’s affordable and practical!
So, wait: you sent me an envelope that says “Happy Birthday” and now you’re going to try to sell me life insurance?
Whew. That’s some tacky. Thanks a lot, The Bay. Yer the sweetest.
From the letter:
If you don’t believe you need life insurance protection, perhaps you’ve never talked to a family who’s been left without it. Even if you think you have enough life insurance, please take a few moments to evaluate how much you actually have and how far it would go to cover your family’s day-to-day expenses if you passed away.
Let’s see: I have $200 in savings. A tax return coming to me. And a pretty healthy body. They could sell my body parts. I won’t need the computer anymore either.
Also from the letter:
For as little as $7.56 a month, a 29-year-old female non-smoker can protect herself with $100,000 coverage…and if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness after your policy has been in force for two years, you can apply for up to 50% of the benefit (to a maximum of $50,000) to spend on whatever you want.
Wow, whatever I want? It’s like my very own Make A Wish! As soon as we know you’re going to die, well hey, why don’t you have $50K and get yourself a pretty nightgown, maybe a beach house and a lifetime supply of morphine. Ha ha – get it? LIFEtime!
People over the years have tried to convince me that life insurance is not a waste of money. I think what sticks in my craw is the terminology: Life Insurance. For every eventuality. Well certain things will or will not happen. I could have a car accident (or not). I could get robbed (or not). But I am definitely going to die.
When my car gets wrecked, I get insurance money and then I get a new car. When my home gets burgled, I get insurance money and I get new stuff. When I die, I die. Whether or not they receive insurance money, my family and friends don’t get a new me. And I don’t get anything. Right now I’m alive and I need that $7.56/month to buy chips.
In other news:
The right amount of sleep for me is eight and a half hours. It is so good to know this! I always thought it was 6-8 hours or 5 if I only drank beer and coffee and didn’t slow myself down with food.
Also:
I was worried that The Making of America’s Next Top Model wasn’t going to be as good as last season. But it is. In a frenzy of makeup, hair extensions and kooky photo shoots, we’ve lost the girl with the boobs, the girl with the husband and kid and the, frankly, unattractive 18 year old blonde (don’t worry, there’s another one.) The Nerd Girl is improving her walk and the Jersey Girl gets to stay another week even though she whined. Yoanna is my favourite. All the Way with Yoanna.
And just as I was wondering what happened to last season’s winner, Adrianne, she of the low voice and the rough talk, the rock star strut and the Axl Rose bandanas, the preview for next week’s episode shows her visiting the loft to show the new girls a little love. Thank goodness! Adrianne won and then she disappeared. I thought after winning a contest to make you America’s Next Top Model, then you would go, like, Model or something. Those American Idols get their albums out within a month of winning the competition so no one forgets who they are! C’mon c’mon!
Oh I feel so dirty! But I Can’t Stop!
The Making of America’s Next BusinessShark is on tonight. Some of the bloom is off the rose because last week Donald fired the completely insane short man named Sam. Holy shit he was crazy. He wore a cowboy hat and pretended he was a football team captain. And he was 4’5″. He’ll be back. Short men never really go away. They just hide.
In a few years there will only be four of us left who are not yet famous or formerly famous. But it will backfire because then we will be famous for not being famous. And then the world will end, I think with a bang after all. It whimpered a few years ago but no one was listening.