Today, as I ate endless chips with hummus and tried to stay warm, I thought: spammers. Could they be poets, tortured and misunderstood, one empty juice jug away from a head in the oven or a neck in the noose, trying to get our attention with their brief, confused missives? Maybe – they just want a little love & understanding?
Moments later, I received the following email from Miranda Jeanie. I do not know her, but she must know me.
Subject: Re: LLHRA, breaking to pieces
crouch bonze assailant jarvin
blatant bit soot
rhinoceros bluster chugging asbestos
toss knudson
bellhop at crawford
indestructible riverside inertance cataract
Free Cable+ TV
From the start, she places the onus on me to remember the email I sent her about breaking to pieces. She knows that sometimes I have sad days, just like anyone. It’s not all about garlic cream cheese and Solly’s bagels.
Of course, she has to tell me about the free Cable + TV – or she’ll get fired. (Just like those kids who try to sell you a newspaper subscription over the phone aren’t allowed to laugh when you say “I don’t want your shitty subscription because there is no amount of money that would make [your paper] worth reading! It’s a crap tabloid with no journalistic intent and I wish you’d invest some of your telemarketing dollars in better writers!”)
But what I hear in these choice (code?) words from Miranda is how desperate she is for a friend, someone who can really understand her scattered musings, unconventional word combinations, completely out-of-control obsession with Nelly and his song “Hot in Here.” She needs a friend who will know when to call the paramedics. Someone to feed her cat when she is at Lollapalooza ’05. Oh, Miranda. Why do you allow your words to be swallowed by the corporate whale? You have observations to fill a blog of your own! Call it “The Remmas Blog.” Tell your stories and see how supportive the world can be. We all can appreciate true genius.