New Information From Our Roving Reporter! has recently learned that More Screwy Weirdo Animal Labels are being used on foodstuffs!

Is this an indicator of a new marketing ploy? Have the powers that be conquered the child market and now require the souls of adults, to make a complete set?

How else to explain the surf-shirt-clothed beaver whose image illustrates this jar of peanut butter? They are not just after our leisure food. They are after our breakfast!

We all have dreams that we think we will never fulfill. Ideals to which we hold ourselves, though we know they are unreasonable. But who are these rodent marketers who must taunt us with physical impossibilities like a surfing beaver? Is their esteem and morale so low that they must disparage our very fibre, our very comfort food, our Peanut Butter?

Rodential mockery of decent human values must be stopped. We will be monitoring the peanut butter isle closely for any more signs from our so-called marketing overlords. Rodents, if you are reading: do not think we cannot plan our own campaign. And underestimate our will at your own peril.

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home for some toast.