Post 3225, Which Count Includes 80 Drafts You’ll Never See

I didn’t mean to be gone so long from here. There is so much I want to say and I have no words. No, I didn’t get a book deal or a job. I’m not having another baby, or getting a dog, or buying a house. Those can all be put into words. That would be easier.

But also I don’t want to say any of it here. I’m not uninspired elsewhere. I am writing every day. Just not here.

In most TV dramas involving a doctor, there will be a scene where the doctor tries to revive someone who isn’t breathing. The doctor pounds and pounds on the patient’s chest and blows into the patient’s mouth and this goes on for far too long while dramatic music plays until finally someone else, often the doctor’s love interest, character foil, or nemesis says,

“Enough. He’s gone. He’s GONE.”

That’s how I feel about this blog.

Except it’s still here. Representing eight years of my life. Representing my 30s, I realize, as I prepare to celebrate my 38th birthday.

And I don’t measure time in decades, so it’s not that my 30s are ending and zomg what do I dooooo. It’s that this little spot I carved out and sat down on, back in 2003, has been slowly dug out around me and now when I look around all I see are the walls I’ve built. I can’t see anything outside the walls. Until I climb out of here.

I did the digging! And I’m proud of the digging I have done and the walls I’ve built. But writing about the walls you’ve built is, well, not very interesting. A writer who can’t see anything can turn as pretty a phrase as she wants and it will still be a pretty phrase about a dirt wall that everyone has seen before.

So, in the past couple of months I have visited here, looking at this body of work and appreciating it for what it is. Appreciating the growth that I see from the first post to the most recent. Loving the sanity and clarity it’s brought me over the years. The outlet, the writing practice, the escape.

The most wonderful thing it’s brought me is community. You people. (You are people, right? Because I’ve met some of you, but not all.) OK, well, even if some of you are Borg (I don’t understand the joke but I make it anyway)(it might not even be funny)(I don’t care) or really smart cats, so be it. I’ve made friends by writing words on the Internet. I’ve met people I’ve borrowed child-sized socks from and not (yet) returned. I’ve met people whose pants are in my closet. I met you all here. Talking about shoes and cheese and kids and stuff.

I never wanted money. So that’s a relief.

And if the cheeseblog is the patient being stubbornly attended to by a physician who refuses to believe that it’s over and time to move on to a new patient, let us say that this post about Anthony Wiggle is the zombie heart (again, does that even make sense?) that refuses to stop beating. An honourary slow-clap for the post about Anthony Wiggle, which keeps getting comments, including one from someone who knows his wife? or something? bringing it to FORTY TWO comments over the past three years. The most comments any of my posts has received. Forty two. The meaning of life.

If that isn’t internet success, I don’t know what is.

I keep wanting to write “I’m not quitting,” but I am. I am quitting. Not writing. Just this space. I will maybe — possibly — probably? want a new space. A new patch of ground to sit on, if there is any left in the world.

And when I do make a new space, there will probably be patio lanterns. That’s all I know for sure.

xoxo, Gossip Girl. Wait. No.

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52 Responses to Post 3225, Which Count Includes 80 Drafts You’ll Never See

  1. Ginger says:

    Well, I for one will be sad to see the end of the cheeseblog–and will hope fervently that you find new walls someday. Not because I don’t know where to find you, but because your longer form writing (like, uh, this here blog) is something that has been a joy. I’m being very selfish here, of course, but still. I feel lucky to have gotten to read your work, however penned in it has made you here. You are a Writer with a capital W.

    But all that aside, I’m so glad that we “met” through this medium. Friends, with a capital F.

    • cheesefairy says:

      Oh Ginger, that’s so sweet. Thank you.

      I feel lucky to be watching your blogging ‘career’ (only because you already have another career do I use the quotation marks) gathering momentum. I wish you all good things. And, uh, see you on twitter. :)

  2. Lori says:

    Patio lanterns?! Be sure to let us know about the housewarming when the new space is ready.

  3. Grant you, I haven’t slept for over a month but I could very well fall onto the floor weeping for the thought that you aren’t writing any more. Not writing *here* anymore.

    (I might get sappy here…)

    I am so so SO glad that you and I met in real life, and if I wasn’t massively contagious and likely to wipe out your entire family with my death virus, I would be calling you for MORE PLAY-DATES and GIRLS NIGHTS (which is a term I hate BTW, but saying ADULT NIGHT makes me think we’re doing something a little um…well…lets move on).

    SO YES, COMMUNITY! As in you! And everyone else I’ve met. That is the reason to blog.

    And yes, blogging has the unique ability to suck all creativity out of one.

    And yes, I WAS supposed to start a new balls to the wall site which I didn’t do because I couldn’t pick a name…but I still might do it…and if I do I hope you’ll write there once in a while. Cause I love your writing…And I might love you, but that sounds possibly over-the-top and stalker-ish and we don’t want to go there.

    So.

    It’s been fab reading you, kid. Seriously. *Handshake*

    • cheesefairy says:

      Your comment made me laugh and then mist up a little and then laugh again. I feel like I should conk you over the head with something so you’ll sleep, but also like hugging you. Except I don’t want what you’ve got. In your lungs I mean. I do want the other things you’ve got, like loyalty and a great sense of humour, and more shoes than me in almost the same size. Where else but the Internet can you meet people with the same sized shoes as you?

      I know where you live. One day I’ll come to your house and we can run away to America and go to Trader Joe’s and buy shoes or whatever people do in America.

  4. Lex says:

    Well… damn!

    I’ve enjoyed reading you (even though I was always a slack-ass when it came to comments because for some reason I never know what to say or whatever) and I’m definitely going to miss the cheese blog (one of the best names ever, I might add). It’s going to feel weird, not reading you, but that’s where the magic of the interwebs comes into play: ARCHIVES!

    Cheers~ :D

    • cheesefairy says:

      Thank you. :)

      Yeah comments are hard..I keep peoples’ posts open for weeks at a time and then when they’ve posted eight more things, just go “eh, they won’t care if I comment or not” and close the whole browser.

  5. 604heather says:

    I has a sad.

  6. Janice says:

    Well, you’ve left me with only one option — to ask my mother when I want to know what’s new with you.

  7. Stephanie says:

    I am happy you’ve been here. I am glad I found you through Liz’s blog. The blogging community is a good one.

    You’re staying on twitter, right? You have to stay on twitter. I heart your tweets.

    • cheesefairy says:

      Oh yeah. Twitter fits my schedule a lot better than blogging. I have two minutes to knock off a tweet — I simply can’t write a blog post that fast.

      And thank you. I’m glad to have met you too. your blog is consistently one of my favourite places to read something that rings true and or funny.

  8. Duncan says:

    I can dig it. I’ll be sad to see you go, though. It’s always been sort of a little bit of the ghost of christmas future to me now that we’re on a child journey, too. But I get what you’re saying. Do let me know if you start stuff up elsewhere. I’ve seen so little of you over the last ten years that to lose this, too, feels like I might never see you again, what with us living in different parts of the city and both having children. Hopefully not true. Good luck in all you’re doing.

    • cheesefairy says:

      I’ll leave the blog up so you can search “sonofabitch my child is crazy” and have satisfying results. :) Don’t worry, I won’t vanish if you don’t.

  9. Perpetual Breadcrumbs says:

    Son of a fuck.

    Me leaving blogging was expected and not necessarily news, but this is just terrible. Because you are funny, and when I sit down to read you it is an event that involves making time and then laughing and then being so happy I made the time.

    You’re serious, too, and touching, and you make me think–all of that–but you can’t blame me for commenting on the funny. Remember that time we drew pictures of our butts for the internet? That was a Good Time.

    That said, I get it. I understand it. I applaud you, even, because you’ve been at this longer, and so it’s harder in some ways to stop. But you can’t leave twitter, because you can’t just leave your friends. Can’t. Not allowed. Ask the little ones. They will confirm this.

    P.S. You still owe me a CD. Can I reference _Better Off Dead_? I want my two dollars!
    P.P.S. Ditto what Ginger said.

    • cheesefairy says:

      I do remember the time we drew pictures of our butts. It was awesome.

      Thank you for saying those nice things. I’m sad that I came in at the tail-end of your blogging career because you made me laugh too.

      And no I’m not leaving twitter. I might even start using google+, who knows. I hear *certain people* are active there. (um, by which I mean you. Not Kim Kardashian or anything)

      • Perpetual Breadcrumbs says:

        If you google+’d it would make me all kinds of happy. Just saying.

        Also saying: Kardashian Butt. Tell the children! Biznatch! (I follow the twitter, you see.)

  10. Aaron says:

    When I googled: Anthony Wiggle cheeseblog

    I got this:

    http://theblogocheese.blogspot.com/2011/03/when-wiggles-die.html

    • cheesefairy says:

      Hey that guy has FIFTY NINE comments on his post. I have not internet succeeded at ALL!

      • Aaron says:

        Will beating the blog o’ cheese in a wiggle comment pissing contest make you happy? Because I’m sure that could be arranged.

  11. Jennifer Thiessen says:

    Oh no! And I never even commented. I’ve been lurking for years and enjoying every bit of it. Always felt I could just print off your blog and call it my diary (if that doesn’t sound too creepy!). Found you years ago through la petite banane, who was a friend of a friend. All the best for whatever comes next for you.

    • cheesefairy says:

      La petite banane..wow. That was a long time ago. Did you know Sarah has 3 bananes now? Anyway, Hi Jennifer! No comment too creepy :)

  12. Arwen says:

    Ahhh! Sadness! I also very much greedily enjoyed whatever you had to share, and will miss stopping in to tank up on hilarity and tears, and sniffle through the beautiful poignant hugeness you manage to capture so well. I also completely identify. Whatever thing you’re writing, hurray for that.

  13. Sheila K says:

    When I stumbled on your blog through Twitter, I remember the first post I read made me laugh out loud. I remember being blown away by your point-of-view. You have such a clear, strong written “voice.” I wish I was a publisher; you deserve a book deal. And film rights. Hey, when I’m giving out imaginary stuff, I’m very generous. : )

  14. t says:

    I for one am glad to see you go, I mean just who the hell do you think you are anyway? Sigh

    Does this mean I need to figure out twitter now? I don’t know, I have held out so long. Maybe we should just go drink beer together instead, like they used to do in the olden times. It would be ok if you only spoke 144 characters at a time.

  15. Martina says:

    Well, damn. I’m another one of those readers who never commented, partly because I’m younger than you and I don’t have kids and I always felt anything I had to say would sound ignorant and naive (’cause I’m “inexperienced”, see? didja catch that, didja didja?). But your blog has been an escape for me, and also a window into that weird parallel reality where people apparently end up when they have kids. And I loved that you could write about it with humor, without giving in to the Seriousness of your Task as a Parent.
    So anyway, I’m happy for you because it looks like you’re changing things for the better, but I’m sad that maybe I won’t get to read your stuff anymore. I hope you’ll publish the other things you write somewhere else. And in the meantime, thanks for the ride :)

    • cheesefairy says:

      Thanks for visiting my parallel reality. sometimes I feel like it’s even parallel to my own reality. I appreciate you stepping out of the woodwork to say hey.

  16. mo-wo says:

    I am glad it still rests here. I have bundled you up I don’t know how many times and given (this) you as a gift to a lot of friends. People at wit’s end in need of wit. I sent them here.

    This a very special package of writing and I support you to close it up. But also I demand a WAKE! Let’s do something IRL as a wrap party? We’ll wear stickers on our heads and sniff that blogging is soo 2006! Or word to that effect.

    a little bit #heartbroken

    (ps. lean pub is a beautiful blog to book tool)

    • cheesefairy says:

      thanks for the tip re: lean pub — we are looking to print this out for the kiddos/archives.

      “People at wit’s end in need of wit,” thank you M. Thank you. Let’s party like it’s 2006 real soon.

  17. Jen says:

    Dude. I’m sad by I’m also happy because I get to talk to your funny self in person. (and seriously? 80? Send some my way)

  18. Joanna says:

    [sigh] … okay, I’m seriously going to miss reading your blog. How do you do it? You write exactly what I need to hear, make me laugh so hard I pee a little, make me think and question and want to find out more. Looking forward to reading more of you, whatever forum, wherever you go (gosh, but that sounds stalker-ish, doesn’t it?) xo

  19. crystal says:

    Enjoy the exploration.
    (But I have many backposts to read, so could you keep it physically up for a bit? Please?)

    • cheesefairy says:

      Yeah it’ll stay up for a while, no immediate plans to delete. Otherwise how will the Wiggles fans find the Truth about Anthony Wiggle??

  20. eva says:

    Funny, just today on the way home from work I heard your tweet read out on CBC. Something about Valentine’s Day. Funny! If I hadn’t been alone in the car I would have claimed proudly that I “know” you, because wouldn’t THAT make someone jealous?!

    I am so sad that you won’t be writing here anymore. So sad. BUT …. I totally totally get it. Blogging lasted a few seconds with me, not eight years. I don’t know how you’ve stayed focussed and so damn funny for as long as you have. And you are a wonderful, funny, excellent, fantastic writer. Can’t wait until my book club has a chance to pick YOUR book as our selection, and I can invite you to our meeting!

    (Jen Sookfong Lee came a couple of years ago. I’m just saying.)

    Best of luck!!! With writing and of course the family:)

    • cheesefairy says:

      Thanks Eva, so much, for all the support and for reading through the years.
      And hey, kickass book club, it sounds like! I just finished Jen Sookfong Lee’s The Better Mother. I do adore her writing.

  21. Steve says:

    Oh my…. has it been that long? This has been a daily (well, weekly, at least…) stop for me whenever I have a few minutes online. It has been such a joy to read, and seeing the occasional photo of those wonderful boys has been a treat, as well. Very young Trombone on a swing is actually up on a bulletin board here at the office. That smile is infectious. go back and have a look at that photo…..see? Keep up with the writing, you have a fantastic gift…I’ve laughed and teared up, and laughed some more. Hell. I’m tearing up now. Guess I’ll have to get on board the twitter train to keep up with you.
    We’ll keep ours eyes open for the patio lanterns when they go up at the new place.
    thanks again

    • cheesefairy says:

      Thank *you* Steve. So lovely. And to think, we met through Radio Paradise (I think?)

  22. cheesefairy says:

    Sorry everybody. This is the best comment ever.

    Do you know what this jacket means? It means I’m warm as fuck right now! That’s right! I have a long day ahead of me, but I sure as hell won’t be as cold as you idiots in your moderately priced winter clothes!! I’m the fucking creative director for the fourth biggest tech blog on the East Coast! Go visit our website! I picked out the color scheme!! Leave a comment in the comment section!! Go on! Do it!!All my co-workers have Ducky Goose jackets too! And iPad 2′s!!Our office is on the top floor of the building! People on the elevator know that I’m important because of the key card that’s attached to my jacket! It has my picture on it! When I get to work,I’m going to look out on at all the shivering people in the streets! Shivering because they can’t afford a Ducky Goose jacket!!I need my caffeine fix before work! I fucking love Americanos! I give myself god damn espresso enemas! I love coffee that fucking much!
    I’m going to fuck the actual barista! You heard me! I’ve been going to the next coffee shop for couple of years and yesterday she stated nice jacket! And she was probably actually talking to me!

    • Arwen says:

      Did this comment actually come to your blog? My mind is boggling.

      • cheesefairy says:

        It was a spam comment that I removed the ID from, but it was not the usual mishmash of stuff from all over the web. Written just like that. I wept laughing.

  23. Amber says:

    I finally come out of my “too-busy-to-read-blogs” haze and find this, and SOB!

    You are like my favourite blogger ever. But I understand. Sort of. Mostly.

    Be well, write well, I’ll miss you here.

  24. Nicole says:

    Wha….but I just FOUND YOU!!!! Noooooooo.

  25. Gina says:

    Awwwww…. sad. We’ve never met, not sure I’ve even ever commented, but I sit here in my far-away corner of the world (MN) with my own kids just a stage or two behind yours, reading occasionally for years now. I can see my future a bit here, but with your own tired-mom-managing-to-stay-sane-with-humor perspective. I can’t always see the humor in my own life so it helps to see it in yours! I will miss checking and hope you post any new place you might set up. Best wishes!

  26. EarnestGirl says:

    I am a cat. Not so sure about the really smart part but absolutely certain that I will be sorry that I cannot come and bask on this, your windowsill on the world wide web. You make me smile Cheshire-style. And I will never forget the post about your cat. Or the way you blog the mundanity of early childhood-rearing so compassionately.

    Throw the knotted sheet over the walls dear cheesefairy. Be free.

  27. Kim says:

    Ahhh, you mean you’re going to make me actually USE my twitter account for something, if I want to get my cheesefairy fix? Hmmmm….
    Maybe we’ll have to do a playdate instead!