If I Was My Doctor

Well, first I would find someone qualified to fill in for me when I went on vacation. Not my second cousin who happens to be in Vancouver and needs something to do during the day. But since that didn’t seem to be an option for my doctor here’s my advice to the second cousin. Who didn’t introduce himself.

First, I would greet people with “hello, how are you,” not “so, what’s wrong with the baby?”

Then, I would make sure the scale where babies get weighed is not full of pamphlets, cotton swabs and assorted other crap. In a family practice / pediatrician’s office.

Before any of that, though, I would look at the patient’s chart. Then it wouldn’t come as a surprise to me that the patient requires immunizations.

And having reviewed the chart, I would have the needles prepared before the patient arrived.

I would also replace the paper on the exam table before the (next) patient arrived. Am I being a fuss-budget?

Now ideally, I would have been given a set of protocols to follow by my second cousin the doctor so that I would know to a) weigh the baby, b) measure the baby’s length c) do a visual inspection of the baby d) make sure the parent is informed about the procedure so that she can give her informed consent, usually involving some kind of fact sheet about the immunization being given and the polite, often redundant “do you have any questions?” f) advise the parent about after-care beyond “you can give him some tylenol. would you like some tylenol?” g) allow the parent to hold – or even breastfeed – the 12 week old infant while you give it the shot h) encourage the parent to comfort the infant, and no, “hold his leg down he’s really jumpy” doesn’t count i) refrain from small talk of the following nature, “gee, he’s hyperactive. my son was like that, til he was 20. I was so mad at my wife for letting him sleep in her bed until he was 12” because WTF? j) at least acknowledge the other person in the room, you know, the two year old who is hollering “givehimthemedicine!” at the top of his lungs k) when you are done jabbing the infant with needles, be sure to place the round bandage over the needleprick or else the infant will bleed l)come on m)did you seriously go to med school? n)because I ain’t buying it

We had all Trombone’s shots done at the public health clinic because we didn’t have a family doctor – at least not one who would do shots – and boy, it’s a good thing because if Fresco had been my first child and yesterday was my first exposure to vaccinations? I’d be one of those non-vaccinating people. Not only did the stand-in doctor actually not perform any of the protocols I list above without my prompting, Fresco had a screamy, freaked out reaction at about 5 pm that had me – good old, relaxed me – terrified enough to call the nurseline (does everyone know about the nurse line? free, registered nursey advice 24 hours a day? good.) which turned out to be just the thing as she chatted with me while Fresco’s tylenol kicked in so that I didn’t lose my mind. I couldn’t believe I didn’t have a fact sheet to refer to. When we went to public health we were lousy with the fact sheets. The first time Trombone got shots, the nurse read the fact sheet out loud to me. I was bored. But now I am grateful. At least there is someone out there providing quality health care while so many others are not.