(Live from the ToPo, it’s Saint Aardvark taking dictation! ToPo is busy eating while watching ANTM. I feel like an Apple fanboy at a Jobs speech.)<\/p>\n
ToPo: I hate quitters. That means I hate you. And Tyra.<\/p>\n
(Hers is a terrible love.)<\/p>\n
Topo: Don’t misquote me! I said “I hate quitters. I am Tyra.” I<\/i> am Tyra. I hate you<\/i>.<\/p>\n
(I stare at Topo expectantly.)<\/p>\n
Topo: Ambrielle thanked God for the gift. For the model gift. “Ambrielle” — it’s the new birth control pill.<\/p>\n
Me: Word!…(pause) We need more content.<\/p>\n
Topo: Leotards! They look naked but they’re not naked. So the Christians don’t have to worry. …Oh god, Tyra’s gonna kill them with her thighs! Thighs o’ Tyra! That’s cleavage! …Tyra. I just don’t know.<\/p>\n
Me: That’s not helping.<\/p>\n
Topo: Are you live blogging?<\/p>\n
Me: Yes! 2.0! From the blogosphere! It’s bliction! Darren Barefoot on line two!<\/p>\n
Topo: The model’s going to slide down the wall. Are you watching? Boys like this.<\/p>\n
Me: Cory Doctorow has just IMd you. What should I do?<\/p>\n
Topo: The people with RSS readers are gonna hate you.<\/p>\n
Tyra: ….so you can see it’s like I’m cleaning the floors with my knees…<\/p>\n
Topo: Oh great. I love you, I’m crawling to you, I’m cleaning your floors. Maybe I should beat you with my stick.<\/p>\n
Me: …What stick are you talking about, Pre?<\/p>\n
Topo: So who’s getting voted off tonight?<\/p>\n
Me: …the girl with the attitude problem?<\/p>\n
Topo: No<\/i>, you have to pay attention! I think it’s Sarah. She was plus sized but now she’s normal sized. It’s NOT<\/i> the same thing…..Oh, look at those boobs!<\/p>\n
Me: She brought out her wedding pair.<\/p>\n
Topo: Oh, look at the bounce! …You missed the bounce. Oh, group hug! More bounce! You missed the bounce! Look at the bounce!<\/p>\n
Me: I’m<\/i> the boy.<\/p>\n
Model: …Tyra mail!<\/p>\n
Topo: Don’t touch the Tyra mail! It burns. Oh, special guest! Is it Buble? Nobody plates like Buble<\/a>. …It’s not Buble. I hate him. Wait, it’s Enrique! Nobody plates like Enrique. You know, “don’t turn out the lights!” Tyra will hate him. Enrique!<\/p>\n Me: YOU’VE HAD A STROKE. WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU.<\/p>\n Topo: Ooh, dominatrixes! …Dominatri? Dominatreux? I think I heard that all wrong. <\/p>\n (Time passes…)<\/p>\n Topo: They’re gonna pick Heather! No, Sarah! No wait, Lisa. The stripper! The exotic dancer. The pole dancer. No wait, she doesn’t have the musculature to be a pole dancer. Nor the vampire vibe. Don’t hurt me, pole people<\/a>.<\/p>\n (Pause.)<\/p>\n Topo: She really fierced it. She’s really fierce. But she’s got a big nose. Dear Tyra, Heather has a big nose. Has nobody told you? I am Topo. I’m fiercing out. She, however, has not brought the facials. Good night. …Yay, a pole! I love poles. Wait, that’s not a pole, it’s a pipe! It’s a man-pipe. It’s not the same. Please don’t hurt me, crazy goth girls<\/a>. Wait, what does a vampire goth girl want with Enrique? Peter Murphy, I could see.<\/p>\n (Heather faints, gets oxygen.)<\/p>\n Paramedic: You need to eat tomorrow, okay?<\/p>\n Topo: Look at that: Tyra snaps her fingers and they go down, they go up. Arlo knows that. He could be a top model.<\/p>\n Me: What’s with Miss J?<\/p>\n Topo: I hate you. But not as much as I hate Sarah. She’s bowlegged. Knock-kneed. The weak must be eliminated! Give me those chips.<\/p>\n Me: Down, up the pole. You’re right, Arlo really could be a model. <\/p>\n (I go put bread in the oven.)<\/p>\n Me: I’m back! What did I miss?<\/p>\n Topo: Vampires are sad. It’s a fine line between hot and tracking ball.<\/p>\n Me: What?<\/p>\n Tyra: …and now we have to decide which of you is going home. <\/p>\n Topo: What? Since when? (pause) Ambrielle’s on borrowed time. She wasn’t in control of her sexy. –That’s not a quote from me! Alesse is coming up close behind her. It’s Sarah v. Ambrielle. Pill v. pill.<\/p>\n Me: Whose egg will be the loser?<\/p>\n Topo: (twitches) Please Tyra, do not ever do an accent again. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.<\/p>\n Me: Got it.<\/p>\n Topo: ….Ever. (picture of Enrique comes up) Heya heya heya. Don’t forget to EEEEEET! Oooh, ikes! Are those plus-sized shorts? Where are the vampires? She’s on the bony fence.<\/p>\n Tyra: Chantal, congratulations.<\/p>\n Topo: I called it. It’s in writing.<\/p>\n Me: What?<\/p>\n Topo: It’s in writing. It’s out there. Enrique! I love you! …Wait, vampires? What are you talking about? <\/p>\n Enrique: CRAAAAAying out for YOO!<\/p>\n Topo: I won’t be doing that. The ravens are going to eat them. Oh well.<\/p>\n (And we’re out.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Live from the ToPo, it’s Saint Aardvark taking dictation! ToPo is busy eating while watching ANTM. I feel like an Apple fanboy at a Jobs speech.) ToPo: I hate quitters. That means I hate you. And Tyra. (Hers is a … Continue reading