Scene 1: 12:58 pm. 2.3 week old Baby sleeps. Young Mother has eaten lunch and prepares to consume 1st cup of coffee of day. Hopes coffee will make headache go away.<\/i><\/p>\n
Young Mother: Hm. Where is the remote control? I wish to watch television with my coffee… Scene 2: Two minutes later, Baby feeding happily, YM looks up at tv. It’s Maury! <\/a> Fuck!<\/i> Scene 3: Baby finished eating; now asleep in that half-sleep where if YM puts Baby in basket, Baby will wake up. YM must wait until Baby is fully asleep.<\/i><\/p>\n TV: You’re watching Maury! After Maury, Jerry Springer. And after Jerry Springer, another hour of Maury! Scene 4: Baby is asleep. YM places Baby gently in basket. Baby stays asleep. YM shoots television with high powered rifle she keeps under the couch. Baby wakes up. YM doesn’t care.<\/i><\/p>\n the end.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Scene 1: 12:58 pm. 2.3 week old Baby sleeps. Young Mother has eaten lunch and prepares to consume 1st cup of coffee of day. Hopes coffee will make headache go away. Young Mother: Hm. Where is the remote control? I … Continue reading
\n(searches in vain)<\/i>
\nOh well. I will turn on the tv and see what’s on…
\n(turns on TV. TV is on local Fox station. A commercial states that new Vagisil feminine wash is “gynecologist-tested.” What if gyno is a man? Who does he test it on? Also, YM doubts any gyno worth his\/her speculum would recommend vaginal wash. VAGINAS ARE SELF-CLEANING, PEOPLE. JUST LIKE YOUR COLON.)<\/i>
\nBaby: Hello! I’m awake and I’m hungry…
\nYM: OK, hold on…
\nBaby: I DON’T THINK YOU HEARD ME –
\nYM heads back to couch, picks up Baby before he gets all Snakes on a Plane <\/a>on her ass<\/i>
\nYM: Righty, here you go, then
\nBaby: Murfle murfle grunt<\/p>\n
\nYM: Fuck!
\nBaby: murfle, velociraptor-seizing-prehistoric-rat-squeal
\nYM: Argh! I can’t move! And it’s goddamn Maury!
\nMaury: Today, on Maury (points at self)<\/i>…
\nWoman: My man cheated on me with my sister!
\nSister: You shut up you bitch ho!
\nMan: You both shut up, I am smirking because I done nothing wrong!
\nMaury: The lie detector test states…you DIDN’T sleep with her sister!
\nSister: See!!
\nMan: See!!
\nWoman: Damn, I’m sorry!
\nSister: I don’t care! Keep your apology!
\nMaury: HOWEVER…the lie detector test also states…you DID cheat last year, 20 times!
\nWoman: Damn, man, you DIDN’T!
\nSister: Here, girl, let me hug you…
\nMaury: After the break, this woman who is blind but who SENSES her man is cheating on her…we have to help her out…
\nYM: ARGH…can’t move. Can’t find remote. Can’t watch Maury. Can’t NOT watch Maury.<\/p>\n
\nYM: Help me I am in hell.
\nMaury: This woman has a 3-week old baby girl
\n(picture of 3-week old baby girl with one of those frilly brain-bands<\/a> on.[does that site really suggest using the headband as a wedding garter? Is that what they’re suggesting?])<\/i>
\nAudience: AWWWWWWW!
\nMaury: She says the father’s mother is interfering in their lives and told her son not to accept responsibility for his daughter
\nAudience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
\nYoung TV Mother: He won’t acknowledge his daughter!
\nYoung TV Maybe-Father: I did! I did! I went to the doctor’s appointments and everything!
\n(YTVMF breaks down in tears. Maury goes over and hugs him)<\/i>
\nYoung TV Maybe-Father’s Interfering Mother: She’s a liar! A liar! She had sex with another guy and it’s HIS baby…it looks just like him…
\n(another shot of baby. It looks like any 3-week old infant with a frilly headband on)<\/i>
\nAudience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
\nMaury: The paternity test says: YOU ARE the father!
\nYTVMF and YTVM weep and hug. YTVMFIM puts her arms around them.<\/i>
\nYTVMFIM: Don’t cry for sadness, cry for happiness now! Be Happy!<\/p>\n