Dear Saint Aardvark’s Parents,<\/p>\n
Welcome! It has been a long time since you stayed in our house because we have had both of our rooms full of children but now, having moved the children into one bedroom, we have a guest room for you to sleep in!<\/p>\n
Since you are arriving tomorrow, in mid-afternoon, and we won’t have a chance to talk privately, and the children can neither read nor navigate the Internet, here are some things you might find handy to know.<\/p>\n
– They are likely to come into your room, which so recently (like, yesterday) was their playroom, without knocking.
\n– In fact, they might just barge in, crowing “Where is our snack!” at all hours of the night and early morning.
\n– By ‘early morning’ I mean you might want to wrap your head in tin foil before you go to sleep.
\n– Middle drawer in the kitchen. That’s where I keep the tin foil.
\n– Anyway, just give them some chips or something and they will probably go away.
\n– Feel free to make a KEEP OUT THIS MEANS YOU KIDS sign using the paper and markers you will find in the corner of the guest, I mean, play, I mean, guest room.
\n– Ask me for tape. For reasons that will become obvious, I keep the tape in a top secret location.<\/p>\n
Fresco:<\/p>\n
– Fresco loves snails. He will make a noise like a donkey on acid every time he sees a snail. Then he will pluck it from its tree and drop it in the dirt, because “snails like dirt RIGHT!” It behooves you to agree.
\n– Fresco is afraid of flying insects. He will make a noise like a jet plane with a seagull in its propeller if he sees a fly or bee. He will refer to either and both of these insects as BEES. It behooves you not to correct him.
\n– Fresco runs really fast. He insists on wearing his shoes on the wrong feet. Try to catch him before he falls down.
\n– If he falls down, there will be a scrape. Be prepared to hear about the scrape for the length of your visit. DO NOT attempt to bandage, clean or otherwise approach the scrape. You may appreciate the scrape with a sympathetic tone, from over there<\/i>.
\n– Re: the scrape. It’s still there. <\/p>\n
Trombone:<\/p>\n
– Trombone loves fighting. He thinks he is the size of a house. Please don’t squish him, though it will be tempting. He is just about to start kindergarten. He can’t go if he’s squished.
\n– Stop means stop. If you need help with this, ask Fresco. He is very good at shriek-hollering the rules.
\n– Please don’t laugh when Trombone says DARNIT, or BUTT, even though it is really funny.
\n– Yes, we read him Captain Underpants books. It’s fine. He’s allowed.
\n– He is very excited about his birthday. Please try to dissuade him from inviting everyone on the street to his fantasy birthday party. I simply do not have enough Clone Wars cake with marshmallow frosting for four hundred people.
\n– Disregard his ten-thousand item birthday wish-list and get him some socks. He needs socks more than he needs a remote control Iron Man that says I AM IRON MAN.
\n– Yes, by ‘he’ I mean ‘me.’ What of it.<\/p>\n
Seamus the Cat:<\/p>\n
– Feed him.
\n– Feed him again.
\n– Try not to go in the bathroom when he’s in the bathroom or he will freak out and run through the house and finish his business somewhere else.
\n– Leave your bedroom door closed. Seamus can’t do doorknobs, we don’t think.<\/p>\n
Me:<\/p>\n
– I like beer, gin, whatever. Not fussy.
\n– Please, no wrestling in the living room.<\/p>\n
Your son:<\/p>\n
– As you are aware, if you get in between him and his first cup of coffee, he will poke you with a safety pin.<\/p>\n
Enjoy your stay!<\/p>\n
Love,
\nUs, in our house<\/p>\n
PS: Re: the scrape. It’s still there.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Saint Aardvark’s Parents, Welcome! It has been a long time since you stayed in our house because we have had both of our rooms full of children but now, having moved the children into one bedroom, we have a … Continue reading