Looking down the business end of a long-awaited three days of sleep training Fresco I found myself waffling this afternoon. He’s really a very good, very happy baby,<\/i> I rationalized (can you call it rationalization if it is entirely irrelevant?) while making some tea. Hardly a bother at all,<\/i> I thought.<\/p>\n
Falsely, I might add. I think falsely that he is hardly a bother at all. A worthwhile bother, yes, but he is a bother. And he was napping at the time. Absence, fond heart, etc.<\/p>\n
We have planned this well. Trombone is at his grandparents’ house till Saturday. We have no sickness in the house. Fresco’s immunizations last week went fine; he appears to be between bouts of Crazy Fucking What, Now?<\/i> behavior and I am the only one who can tell this but it’s true, his normal behavior skates pretttty close to the Crazy Fucking What, Now?<\/i> line but the true Crazy Fucking What, Now?<\/i> behavior is about a week past.<\/p>\n
The only possible better time to do this would have been about 6 months ago, before he became such a person, such a little walking, talking, gesturing, grudge-holding, contrary person. But if I could go back 6 months I’d probably keep going, back to about 2002. That was a pretty good year. So let’s not fool with the time travel.<\/p>\n
It is dreary even to type. Every night he goes to sleep at about 7 pm. Sometimes 6:30. Sometimes it takes 15 minutes to nurse him to sleep. Sometimes we have to wrestle for 45 minutes. Sometimes I have to leave him in the crib, walk away while he screams, come back to hold him tight until he passes out, 5 minutes later.<\/p>\n
Then he wakes up at 9. Or 10. Or 8. Or 11:15. Or all of those times.<\/p>\n
He averages 3 wakings a night. He gets up for the day between 5 and 6, but sometimes I have to nurse him back down at 4:30 and he sleeps till 5:10.<\/p>\n
It’s the inconsistency that kills me. Is killing me. <\/p>\n
He has forgotten how to put himself to sleep – the last time he did it was September, I think? Or October? He has to learn again. I hate to fuck with the status quo, even if I am dissatisfied with the status quo. What if it gets worse?<\/i> How could it get worse. How. <\/p>\n
It’s like right before you get dental work. Your teeth feel fine. You know that after the dental work you won’t be able to chew for a week on one side. Your mouth will be frozen for an afternoon. You’ll have that headache from the drill. I can’t SEE the hole in my tooth right now. It isn’t causing me any pain. Why fill it? Let’s just leave it. Maybe it’ll – I don’t know – fill itself?<\/p>\n
And maybe a few days go by. And then you’re out for a Sunday drive and you stop at a roadside ice cream shop and you take a lick of some ice cream and suddenly you are in this horrible, terrible pain and you think dammit, why didn’t I get this tooth filled. Now I’m out in the country on a Sunday drive, licking ice cream that causes me pain and I can’t get to the dentist.<\/i> <\/p>\n
I don’t want to do this. I think it is going to be incredibly hard. The child is willful. He likes what he likes and does not hold with the rest. He is a born protester. Plus, he has just learned to give kisses and has spent the day being gooey and charming and kissing everything, especially me, these adorable little puckered-lip-smooches. Every time I go back in that room and don’t pick him up my heart will break a little more. <\/p>\n
But I do<\/b> want to do this. I want to stop having to intervene in every nap at the 45 minute mark. I want to spend less time in the rocking chair, waiting for him to be asleep enough to put down in his crib. I want to not wake up to his cries in the night, thinking it’s 3 am, being crestfallen because it’s only 11 pm and 3 am is yet to come, knowing I will probably be up then, too. I want him to go to sleep at bedtime and wake up in the morning. I want to be DONE for the day when I am DONE for the day. I want him and Trombone to share a room so we can have our spare room back.<\/p>\n
If wishes were horses – <\/p>\n
I would ride mine around the countryside and stop for ice cream. <\/p>\n
Instead I will stay and sweat in the city and just hope like hell that this plan of ours is a success.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Looking down the business end of a long-awaited three days of sleep training Fresco I found myself waffling this afternoon. He’s really a very good, very happy baby, I rationalized (can you call it rationalization if it is entirely irrelevant?) … Continue reading