{"id":1126,"date":"2008-10-07T13:41:45","date_gmt":"2008-10-07T21:41:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/?p=1126"},"modified":"2008-10-07T18:35:46","modified_gmt":"2008-10-08T02:35:46","slug":"insert-your-favourite-closet-joke-here","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/?p=1126","title":{"rendered":"Insert Your Favourite Closet Joke Here"},"content":{"rendered":"

Monkeypants <\/a>wrote a post about her Fall Closet Purge and it inspired me.<\/p>\n

After Trombone was born, I dragged out all my pre-pregnancy clothes and found them to be lacking in the areas of FIT and COVERAGE so I bought some new ones. I didn’t need very many. I wasn’t doing much, most days. The pre-pregnancy clothes and maternity clothes went to the back of the closet, along with the Christmas decorations and a box of very pretty shoes that no longer fit because my feet had spread during pregnancy.<\/p>\n

I went back to work last year so I got new clothes. I got pregnant again and because I was a size up, only some of the old stuff fit so I got new clothes. After Fresco was born, my post-1st-pregnancy clothes didn’t fit, so I got new clothes. On Saturday last I went into my (giant, walk-in, bedroom) closet looking for my address book and I didn’t come out for TWO HOURS.<\/p>\n

And I didn’t find the address book.<\/p>\n

After one pregnancy, yes, there was a chance that I would wear those pre-pregnancy pants again but after TWO hip-widening, foot-spreading, waist-expanding bouncing baby boyos, no ma’am there is no longer a chance. I do not have the time or inclination to exercise 5 hours a day. Goodbye all you pants. Goodbye optimistic, bought-without-trying-on-and-lost-the-receipt pants. Goodbye sinusitis pants (I dropped a pant size the year I had the bad sinus infection and I do not wish to encourage further sinus infections by keeping them around.) Goodbye babydoll t-shirt. Goodbye 12 other babydoll t-shirts. So long adorable dress that now wouldn’t even pass for a t-shirt. **<\/p>\n

I am stunned and slightly embarrassed by how much clothing I have stashed away over the years. I feel like I should be 12-stepping my way out of this but I am not addicted to either clothing or shopping. <\/p>\n

Short version: Back to back pregnancies, meaning long and short-term memory totally FUBAR’d plus<\/b> hearty farm stock heritage whose hips don’t lie plus<\/b> walk-in closet plus<\/b> steady employment allowing for disposable income equals<\/b> disaster.<\/p>\n

** You will pry my pretty shoes from my cold, dead hands. Someday my feet will shrink back to a size 10 and then I will be the 85-year-old belle of my retirement community’s semi-annual ball. Mark my words. (cane shake) <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Monkeypants wrote a post about her Fall Closet Purge and it inspired me. After Trombone was born, I dragged out all my pre-pregnancy clothes and found them to be lacking in the areas of FIT and COVERAGE so I bought … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[48,56],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1126","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-clothes","category-two-children"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1126","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1126"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1126\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1126"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1126"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torturedpotato.com\/cheeseblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1126"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}