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The Beach

Now that we live in the Mizzle, I no longer make a pilgrimage to Second Beach at English Bay. Vancouver beaches are too far to go with kids. One kid, maybe. Two kids, no. It’s OK, we have our own beach. It is called Barnet Marine Park and it is a 15 minute drive from our house. This is what it always looks like when we show up.

Most people arrive at Barnet starting around 11 am, which is perfect because we start packing up to go about 11:30. Earlier than that, there are sometimes a couple of people walking by the water or doing tai chi. There are also people who fish. This morning, we only shared the beach with a starfish, and only because the tide was so far out. Within an hour, the starfish and his log were covered with water again and I could stop worrying about the seagulls eating him.

There were also 800 jellyfish. At least. This is a small one.

This is the first year I have been to the beach several times in one summer. In past years we have only remembered to go in the middle of September, when the light coming over the mountains is duller and the sand is cold between our toes. This year, we went a lot. It is an easy trip, as long as you sing very loudly to Fresco on the way home so he doesn’t fall asleep in the car.

The boys are at a good age for beaching. They are neither terrified of waves (Trombone, 2 years ago) or likely to fall in because they have no depth perception (last year, Fresco). This is not to say that they are well behaved. They will fight to the death over THE BEST STICK EVER, (sorry, didn’t get a picture of it, but it was completely unlike every other stick within reach oh my god what is wrong with you children?) But they also roll around in the sand like demented puppies and show each other rocks they’ve found and brush the sand off each others’ feet.

Today was an easy day. We showed up, took our shoes off and had a snack. Trombone was trying to build a racetrack and Fresco was mostly concerned with the butterfly net I found in the storage room right before we left. They were both wonderfully, quietly self-amused for quite a few minutes.

I kept thinking about how every year we have a last trip to the beach and how I remember that last trip all year. I remember all our trips to the beach, actually, because they’re almost always peaceful and happy trips. There are mountains all around, the ocean is cool on your hot feet, the sand is clean and there is a surprising amount to do in all that vast expanse of beach. Digging holes. Filling holes. Filling buckets. Pouring buckets. Writing in the sand. Erasing the writing in the sand.

Everywhere it’s Fall. People are talking about school, parents are anxious about their kids, kids are anxious about their 3 ring binders, lunch boxes have been mouldering all summer. For me, it’s just the start of September. Trombone will go back to preschool on the 13th and I will start my annual campaign to Not Catch Any Contagious Diseases. But still, it feels like Fall. Like every Fall.

I wonder how homeschooled kids feel about Fall and whether, when they are adults, you will see them tweeting things like: don’t get the appeal of corduroy pants actually or never understand why people like the smell of pencil sharpeners so much . Will we still be tweeting when the homeschooled kids are old enough to be nostalgic about their not-school years? I don’t know.

I do know that a butterfly net is not just good for catching butterflies. It can also be used to strain the good stuff from the sand, for catching rocks from the ocean, for waving about idly and for keeping your face free of bees. Should there be bees. Which there were not, at the beach, today.

Sidenote: We have had this hat for two summers now. You know how there are some hats that you buy and lose in the same day, and then there are the other ones that stick around forever? Re-Elect Ramal is a $1.99 Salvation Army Thrift Store purchase. Every time one of us wears it, I wonder if Ramal won or not.

Ramal? Did you win, Ramal? A nation wonders.

One beach thing I am not fond of is crows. A group of crows, while we were down at the water, went into our cloth bag, pulled out the box of crackers, opened it and stole half of them. Crows! Like raccoons with wings!

So while we sat on the blanket in the shade, guarding the rest of our snack, Fresco practiced his seagull call. It worked. The crows stayed away after that.

I ate almonds and Fresco ate blueberries and Trombone was a few feet away, digging a really big hole that he then put himself in. The ocean lapped and the geese drifted and a train went by. Some days, huh? Some days are just too good.

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Hokey pokey! Turn yourself around! That’s what it’s all about!

Can I just start by saying how much I hate the word Mommy. Blech. I am a fan of the word Mom. Mom Vices. There we go. Henceforth, I will be using the word “mom” in place of “mommy.”

What vices do I think are OK for moms? Whatever gets them through the day. As long as a mom is not hurting anyone by indulging in a vice, I don’t really consider it a vice. For that matter, are there Daddy Vices? Does anyone sit around talking about what it’s OK for dads to do and not do? Probably not, because dads are not held to the same standards as moms. We seem to still be in a global phase where whatever a dad does is more than HIS dad did and therefore, WOW what a great dad. He changed a diaper! What a guy! You know what, this baby is HALF YOURS you will change at least HALF ITS DIAPERS.

For all time.

Amen.

Anyway, when I think about vices, I think cigarettes. Liquor. Drugs. I think all of those things can be dangerous if overused but have their place when used in moderation. Go for it; know your limit. If you’re addicted, think about scaling it back or quitting outright because if you’re addicted to something, you might not be the parent your kids need. But I also know that nobody’s gonna listen to me if they’re addicted to something.

I definitely wouldn’t condone the (over)use of these vices while actually engaged in the practice of minding children. It is irresponsible to mind children and be drunk (which, for most people, is not the same as having a drink) or high (not as familiar with these limits as I don’t do drugs) at the same time. And it’s not fair to smoke around them and pollute their widdle lungs.

After cigarettes, liquor and drugs, my mind defines vices as behaviors. For me, personally, internet use can be a vice. The more unpleasant my day with the kids is, the more I hide from them. In our open plan household with no doors, the only place to hide is a) in the bathroom or b) on the Internet. And that’s mainly because they cannot read.

To me, the object of a Parenting Vice, whether consumable or behavior-related, is to get a break. As I have mentioned on this blog before about four million times, minding children is very hard, relentless work. They will not give you a break no matter how you ask. So you have to take a break and make it good for yourself. I do this by giving myself 20 minutes of internet time, to escape away and see the rest of the world. I do not often use this time to visit other mom blogs or talk about parenting. I often go looking at the photo albums of childless friends on facebook. Or surfing the feminist blogosphere to see what stupid shit is being taken to task by people who have time to think about how to take stupid shit to task. Or I read the news.

Sometimes I eat chocolate.
Sometimes I sneak candy from last Halloween, which still tastes fine.

The point is not that I am a chocoholic, or a candy freak. The point is that I am doing something the children are not involved in. When you give them everything, all day, all you want is something that’s just for you. If I have to share, it doesn’t count as a vice. Thus I cannot put any foodstuff in the vice category.

My biggest vice, therefore, is that I refuse to share certain things. Which, hey, I’m an only child! So I don’t even have to feel bad about it! Quick, let’s blame my mother!

If I smoked cigarettes, I would go out for a cigarette.
If I was a pot smoker, I might smoke some pot.
When the clock says 5:30 I might have a drink.

Those things are things the children can’t share, they are just for me. Without those things, without something just for me, I would be a much unhappier person. Which is not to say that I can’t get through the day without a drink. I can. I can also go weeks without chocolate. But I can not get through the day without something that’s just for me.

To sum up: I gave you life. I’m not sharing the chocolate.

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I was on the Greyhound Tour of Saskatchewan and Manitoba. I had finished reading Vogue, taking a break from my book, had napped and snacked and written seventeen pages about myself in my journal. Without a laptop to entertain me, I turned to my cell phone for some kind of distracting hijinkery.

My cell phone is five years old, which is 78 in cell phone years. I bought it for $50 from Virgin Mobile and it is very underused but handy in case of emergencies. It contains no new fangled hinjinkery. It phones, it texts, it tells time.

On the Greyhound bus, I looked up my account balance. I was that bored, yes. And was I shocked to see that my account balance was a credit of $140? Yes! I was shocked.

See, I am not on a “plan.” I pay as I go. $15 lasts 45 days, after 45 days, poof, your money is gone so give them another $15. For someone who doesn’t use her phone except to tweet about ninjas on the roads (but only when safely pulled over) it’s the best deal around. I used to get text messages from Virgin every 45 days saying “your balance is about to expire, please add more money.” I got bored with that so I signed up for the auto top up feature, which is supposed to top up your phone every time the balance goes below a certain number. You choose the number. I chose $5.

At $5, or at the end of the 45 days, please add $15. Right? OK. So I never check the balance because my phone works when I want it to and my credit card statement says I’m giving them $15 every 45 days, which is what I have budgeted for my cell phone use.

Hello math geniuses, how did we accrue $140? Even if I NEVER used the phone, the balance is supposed to expire at the end of the 45 days. That is why we top up, no?

When we got home, my phone needed charging so I charged it. Then it said, “No, make me be CHARGING.” And I realized that it is dead. My five (78) year old phone is dead. What a coincidence! I have $140 in my phone account and my phone is dead.

ConsPIRAcy! Wooooo.

I called Virgin today. I said, “Can I use my $140 to buy a new phone?”
Virgin said, “No. Those two kinds of money don’t talk to each other. If you want a new phone, you have to buy a new phone.”
I said, “OK, most helpful customer service clerk in Canada (hey, their website claims it, not me) how did I get to $140?”
The woman said, “Well you see, it tops up your account when the money is about to expire and then you end up with more money.”

The woman from Virgin and I had the worst phone connection of all time so I gave up trying to figure it out and switched to a $10 per month prepaid plan and canceled the auto top-up. Now I have 14 months of prepaid phone service.

Oh! But no phone!

This morning I took the children uptown on the bus. They got very excited because they like bus rides. Of course, going uptown on the bus takes about 6 minutes so we barely got seated and started discussing why we don’t kick the seat in front of us when it was time to get off. “But I thought we were going UPTOWN!” said Trombone. “This is it,” I said, gesturing grandly. The old guy with one orange sock and one bare foot stopped picking his toes long enough to snort.

Maybe Trombone is confusing uptown New Westminster with London? I don’t know. Uptown is uptown, man. The revitalization has not hit yet.

So we went into the most depressing mall in the universe (except for The Town Centre in Brandon Manitoba, which has one shining star, that of Anna’s Indulgence Dessert Bar, go there and eat desserts right now what are you waiting for.) And we rode the fishy carousel and we rode the ice cream truck and we rode the race car and no, you caught me, we didn’t really ride any of those things because I don’t have money to burn on mall rides, come on. I made the children pretend they were riding and told them their grandparents will be in town in two weeks to pay for their mall rides. And then we went to The Source, formerly known as Radio Shack, to buy a new phone.

I picked one. Truthfully, I had already picked it out on the Internet earlier this morning. I pulled the salesguy away from his – work? – watching the big screen TV while also doing something that involved having an earbud in his ear – and told him I wanted to buy that phone for $69.99. But when he rang it up, it was $129!

“No! I do not want that phone!” I said, “here, look, the price tag says $69.99 and it is the same price on the website!”
He said, “No. No, that is not the price, because Virgin is switching everyone to their SUPERTAB and now the phones cost more. And in my cash register it costs more. And my cash register is GOD. And I actually am listening to my girlfriend right now on my earbud and you are just this strange, harried woman making noises at my face and oh ps, your son is trying to steal an iPhone.”

So we got a ham and cheese croissant and went to the library.

I wasn’t going to write about my phone. I was going to write about how I never considered how difficult it is to teach children to heel.

Trombone doesn’t ride in the buggy anymore, you see, which is a mixed blessing because I don’t have to push him around anymore but he is very spacey when we go out so he is always seeing an object 40 feet away and then mowing down 18 people to get to it. Fresco does ride in the buggy but I didn’t want to take it on the bus, because the bus always has more than enough people with strollers and walkers and shopping carts on it, so we were on foot.

I consistently forget that being on foot with two children means I don’t have a hand free. If all we want to do is walk around and sniff daisies, OK. But if I want to walk around and – buy vegetables, say? Where’s that third hand coming from, smarty pants? Your belly? Nope, no hand there, just a lot of popcorn. So I drop a hand and either Fresco runs away to pet vicious dogs/jump off cliffs/steal motorcycles or Trombone goes wandering at a 45 degree angle toward train tracks. It stresses me out! I know they have to learn to heel, but I should have started training them a year ago!

I wish I’d known. I would have resold the double stroller when it was still in pretty good shape and then I’d be able to afford an iPhone.

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I don’t mean to scare everyone with children into never road tripping with those children. Your children might be fine! Your mileage may vary! Your car may be air conditioned!

The main problem with our ambitious (that’s code for stupid) (as in, ignorant because now we know better) itinerary was one thing: Fresco.

Fresco is almost 2.5 years old. Fresco likes:

- unlimited fruit
- jumping
- anything Trombone is playing with
- talking
- Laughing Cow cheese, right up till when he takes it out of the package, then he doesn’t like it anymore
- our cat
- pinching, biting and hitting when he’s mad
- threatening to pinch, bite and hit when he’s mad
- throwing things when he’s hungry
- howling like a stuck monkey when he’s the slightest bit frustrated
- popsicles
- dinosaurs
- NO NOT DINOSAURS. ONLY CATS.
- swimming
- NO NOT SWIMMING WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

You see. Capricious, tempermental, short attention span, confined spaces. Which of these things just doesn’t belong.

Trombone spent hours in the car – not in a row, but totaled up – examining Where’s Waldo books. Lucky we bought 8 at Value Village before we left. When he dozed in the car, which was not often, he would often wake up cranky and crying but he would just as often wake up quiet and contemplative and say things like, “That cloud looks like a dinosaur head. And I would like some crackers, please.”

Fresco spent five minutes looking at a book and then threw it to the floor of the car and then cried because he had no book anymore and then snatched the book out of Trombone’s hand and then threw it at my head and then cried because I wouldn’t give it back and then slumped down in his seat and started howling and then started undoing his seatbelt. Oh good. We’re going 120 km/hr and you’re undoing your seatbelt.

There were three times it was good to travel with Fresco:

- while he was sleeping
- while he was watching his favourite movie, Baby McDonald, which, at 30 minutes in length, is about 400 minutes too short
- while he sang his peculiar mashups of the songs in his head. IE: Bob the builder / little star / how I wonder / can we build it / yes we can / and his bucket full of / dinosaurs!

Other than that, he acted his age. If you have ever met a 2.5 year old, you know what I mean and I am sorry, here’s a tissue. You also know that trapping one and restraining it in a moving vehicle is a dumb ass thing to do.

Fear not, in other words; if you have a Trombone-style child or your children are older than 3, your vacation should go fine. I mean, it won’t be much like a vacation in the sense that you are taking your work with you, but neither will you find yourself considering duct tape for purposes not on the label. Probably.

Here, random dinosaur picture!

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Today we went to Queen’s Park, as you do when you have small children and it is eleventy million degrees hot outside. The trees make it cool and then of course there is the water park. Nutritious AND refreshing to toddlers the world over. Of course, there is also a treat stand.

“Mommy!” said Trombone, “Look, the ICE CREAM is open!”
“Oh I would like some ice cream,” said Fresco.
“No, no ice cream today,” I said.
They wept bitterly.
“But why?” Trombone wailed, “we had lots of ice cream on our vacation!”
“I want our vacation!” said Fresco.

It is strange to be back, to have been gone so long, to have had such a different experience than I expected. It was not all bad or all good; it was 40% bad and 50% good and 10% ice cream.

***

While knowing that one cannot plan something one has never done before, I still planned a lot. I booked campsites in advance (that I later canceled) and I packed garlic (that we never used) and I took extra trinket bags so I could put together more trinket bags for the drive home (HA HA HA – here, kids, fetch this pamphlet from the visitor centre and like it).

I could not plan, re: camping:

- the kids have no idea how to sleep in a tent. All they wanted to do was run around it, head butt each other and escape.
- the sun doesn’t set till 10 but it rises at 5. That is not enough sleep for anyone.
- there are no black tents to block out the sun. Dastardly sun.

We did our first two nights of camping (Sweaty and Buggy as I have affectionately named them) in BC and Alberta and then spent a night in Kindersley, SK, home of the place that has the thing with the – I don’t know. I don’t know anything about Kindersley except the Wal-Mart parking lot was the size of North Burnaby and the Humpty’s restaurant thoroughly charmed our children. Mostly because they have only been in one other restaurant, ever, and it was Denny’s.

The fourth night we spent in Saskatoon, at the home of Sarah, Michael, Rowan (6), Lilah (4.5), Audra (1 week now, but was at the time still fetal), Pat-The-Mum (age undisclosed) and Terry (ditto). They have a beautiful house that includes air conditioning.

We put our boys in the bedroom with their girls, hoping they’d just, you know, go to sleep. It went like this:

Fresco: WHERE IS MY MOMMY!
Lilah, age 4.5, who enjoys any excuse to not sleep: Mummy, he wants his mommy!
Trombone (crying): Everyone is crying!
Rowan, age 6, who could sleep through a nuclear war: I am trying to sleep. It is too loud.
Sarah, very pregnant: I wish I could drink.
Me: I am drinking!
Michael: Me too!
SA: Me too!
Fresco: WHERE IS MY MOMMY!

The boys slept in the living room, the girls slept in their room, I slept under a piano with my head wedged up my own ass, because Trombone is a mat-hog, and we all woke up overjoyed and looking for coffee, which was thankfully in good supply.

Then SA and the kids drove on to Regina where they stayed at a Holiday Inn Express that featured a BACON BUFFET – damnit! – while I stayed in Saskatoon for a couple of days, without my own kids and talking to grown ups. OK, I guess that’s worth trading for the bacon buffet.

And! I got to take a Greyhound bus across Saskatchewan and Manitoba, all by myself. The Greyhound bus was awesome. I could nap, read, write, snack, look out the window, all without explaining myself to anyone or sharing my snacks. I ate a very good BLT in Dauphin, Manitoba.

We spent a week in Brandon, seeing the sights and eating our weights in treats from (Aunt) Anna’s Indulgence Dessert Bar in The Town Centre Mall, get your ass there and eat some desserts, people. Your ass isn’t going to grow all by itself, you know.

Then we left for home, with a revised itinerary to account for the facts we had gleaned from our trip there, namely:

- we could not drive more than 450 kms per day without dire consequences (ie: trinkets from former trinket bags tossed at driver’s head by unruly 2.5 year old)
- it was pissing rain and stormy in our second and third nights’ planned accommodation (Dinosaur Provincial Park)
- we had already tossed our first tent due to creeping mould due to improper storage after the thunderstorm on our second night of camping (top tip: AIR OUT YOUR WET TENT BEFORE STORING IN HOT TRUNK FOR ONE WEEK [IDIOTS])
- we were not especially interested in proving how hardcore we were after 2 weeks on the road with children who were by then
- – well out of their routine and nowhere near anything resembling civilized
- – completely uninterested in playing “I Spy,” “count the cows” or “name the wheat field” (cretins!)
- – growing rapidly uninterested in our meagre collection of DVDs, aiieeee! When the DVDs run out, we are SCREWED!

…so instead of insisting on camping and making a hard trip even harder, we returned our replacement (as yet unused) tent for a full refund and did The Armpit Motel Tour of Western Canada: Moose Jaw, Medicine Hat, Drumheller, Canmore and Enderby.

Things to remember about long car trips with children under 5:

1. Don’t do it.

2. Camping is good, but motels have clock radios and the children will be just as excited about the clock radios. Mostly, what they are excited about is getting out of the hot car, so make that happen as soon as possible, toss in a pool and you’re golden.

3. Kids love routine. We had no routine. The routine we tried building for them was wrong, terrible and wholeheartedly rejected. Without routine, they start to unravel. They weep, trip, pinch and bite. They cling, whine, scowl. We start to want to leave them by the side of the road with their Where’s Waldo books for shade.

3 a. Riding for hours in a car every day does not count as a routine.

4. The kids will love chicken fingers the first time they eat them. They will be transfixed by the chicken fingers. The restaurant was making them crazy with love. The second time? Maybe they eat half the plate and then start angling for dessert. The third time? They are done with restaurants, chicken fingers and YOU.

Chicken fingers = heroin? Maybe.

Seriously, by the time we ordered our final meal of chicken fingers in a restaurant (that would be Saturday, in Merritt, OH MY GOD Bonus Tip: never go to Merritt if you can help it) the kids were like, yeah, whatever, chicken fingers, here, I’m sucking ketchup out of the container, that’s how much I care about chicken fingers.

And you, the parent? You the parent are saying, I give up, suck the ketchup if you must, as long as you just SHUT IT for five minutes so I can enjoy my sub-par pasta dish and the Lager that the waitress brought me when I asked for a dark beer.

You want salt in your hand from the salt shaker? OK. Here’s salt in your hand from the salt shaker.

5. This is not ideal. This is Wartime Parenting. You can sort out the rules and worry about the bad habits when you get home.

We had some fun. We saw dinosaurs (Drumheller) and a giant turtle statue (Boissevain, MB) and real frogs (International Peace Gardens) and we saw family and friends and ate delicious food and my father in law fed me copious amounts of gin and we swam in lots of pools and played in lots of playgrounds including one in Zealandia, SK that had equipment from the ’80s and the boys were enraptured by Guitar Hero and their Uncle playing it LIKE A ROCK STAR and despite the Very Hungry Mosquitoes, I don’t appear to have contracted West Nile Virus – so far – and we went 5,000 kilometres without a flat tire (although we did run over a small, blue cooler on our first day of driving and we thought that was the end right there) (and we also got snarled in traffic 30 minutes from home because of a highway-side brushfire [dispose of your cigarettes, people!]) or calling each other names (much) and we took 500 pictures and several videos and laughed some, at least a little every day, even if some of it was tinged with hysteria.

***

All day on Saturday, on our way home from Enderby, Fresco would cry,
“I want to go to our new motel!”
and Trombone, ever the helpful big brother, would say,
“We’re not going to a motel! We’re going home!”
and Fresco would cry and wail louder.
“But I want to go to our pool!”

I guess that’s an endorsement?

My recommendation: wait till the kids are older. But really, you could do a lot worse than we did. And there is always ice cream.

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