cheez like whiz

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The Beach

Now that we live in the Mizzle, I no longer make a pilgrimage to Second Beach at English Bay. Vancouver beaches are too far to go with kids. One kid, maybe. Two kids, no. It’s OK, we have our own beach. It is called Barnet Marine Park and it is a 15 minute drive from our house. This is what it always looks like when we show up.

Most people arrive at Barnet starting around 11 am, which is perfect because we start packing up to go about 11:30. Earlier than that, there are sometimes a couple of people walking by the water or doing tai chi. There are also people who fish. This morning, we only shared the beach with a starfish, and only because the tide was so far out. Within an hour, the starfish and his log were covered with water again and I could stop worrying about the seagulls eating him.

There were also 800 jellyfish. At least. This is a small one.

This is the first year I have been to the beach several times in one summer. In past years we have only remembered to go in the middle of September, when the light coming over the mountains is duller and the sand is cold between our toes. This year, we went a lot. It is an easy trip, as long as you sing very loudly to Fresco on the way home so he doesn’t fall asleep in the car.

The boys are at a good age for beaching. They are neither terrified of waves (Trombone, 2 years ago) or likely to fall in because they have no depth perception (last year, Fresco). This is not to say that they are well behaved. They will fight to the death over THE BEST STICK EVER, (sorry, didn’t get a picture of it, but it was completely unlike every other stick within reach oh my god what is wrong with you children?) But they also roll around in the sand like demented puppies and show each other rocks they’ve found and brush the sand off each others’ feet.

Today was an easy day. We showed up, took our shoes off and had a snack. Trombone was trying to build a racetrack and Fresco was mostly concerned with the butterfly net I found in the storage room right before we left. They were both wonderfully, quietly self-amused for quite a few minutes.

I kept thinking about how every year we have a last trip to the beach and how I remember that last trip all year. I remember all our trips to the beach, actually, because they’re almost always peaceful and happy trips. There are mountains all around, the ocean is cool on your hot feet, the sand is clean and there is a surprising amount to do in all that vast expanse of beach. Digging holes. Filling holes. Filling buckets. Pouring buckets. Writing in the sand. Erasing the writing in the sand.

Everywhere it’s Fall. People are talking about school, parents are anxious about their kids, kids are anxious about their 3 ring binders, lunch boxes have been mouldering all summer. For me, it’s just the start of September. Trombone will go back to preschool on the 13th and I will start my annual campaign to Not Catch Any Contagious Diseases. But still, it feels like Fall. Like every Fall.

I wonder how homeschooled kids feel about Fall and whether, when they are adults, you will see them tweeting things like: don’t get the appeal of corduroy pants actually or never understand why people like the smell of pencil sharpeners so much . Will we still be tweeting when the homeschooled kids are old enough to be nostalgic about their not-school years? I don’t know.

I do know that a butterfly net is not just good for catching butterflies. It can also be used to strain the good stuff from the sand, for catching rocks from the ocean, for waving about idly and for keeping your face free of bees. Should there be bees. Which there were not, at the beach, today.

Sidenote: We have had this hat for two summers now. You know how there are some hats that you buy and lose in the same day, and then there are the other ones that stick around forever? Re-Elect Ramal is a $1.99 Salvation Army Thrift Store purchase. Every time one of us wears it, I wonder if Ramal won or not.

Ramal? Did you win, Ramal? A nation wonders.

One beach thing I am not fond of is crows. A group of crows, while we were down at the water, went into our cloth bag, pulled out the box of crackers, opened it and stole half of them. Crows! Like raccoons with wings!

So while we sat on the blanket in the shade, guarding the rest of our snack, Fresco practiced his seagull call. It worked. The crows stayed away after that.

I ate almonds and Fresco ate blueberries and Trombone was a few feet away, digging a really big hole that he then put himself in. The ocean lapped and the geese drifted and a train went by. Some days, huh? Some days are just too good.

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You know I like lists. But I can’t bear to inflict on you the list of shit that has been going badly in the past X weeks so I will just say, I have not been handling it well. I have been managing. I have been hanging on like the kitten in the kitten poster. At the end of your rope? Make a knot and HANG ON! But I have not been handling things well. Every step I took to try and make my life feel better around me, more like a fuzzy bathrobe, less like a 100% polyester long-sleeved maxi dress with sequins around the neckline and that annoying habit of sticking to your legs with static, well I’d take that one step and then get blown back about three blocks. And every time I got blown back three blocks I would stagger around for a bit, being mean and surly, then sad and tired, then gird my loins for another step forward.

It doesn’t make for great blog fodder. There is a difference between mean, surly, FUNNY! and mean, surly, no I mean it. The latter better saved for one’s significant other and / or one’s private journal, the paper kind with the little padlock that you hide under the bed.

If you would like to know what I have been doing for the past 3 weeks, imagine Bill the Cat.

But there have been wonderful moments.

- I finished a short story and shared it with my writers’ group. They were just the right mix of appreciative and critical and honest.

- Trombone exited a rather hellish phase that seemed to last forever but really was probably 6 months, aren’t they always? and turned back into the sweet, loving, easy-going, even-tempered kid he was before.

- Fresco is a textbook two-year-old (his birthday is coming up on Tuesday!) but has weathered back-to-back colds, a stomach virus and teething with more aplomb than I did as his mother.

- The sun. Is back.

- Today, after preschool, we played near the school grounds. There is a playground bordered by a big green field of grass, trees and wildflowers. Trombone and Fresco ran into the field and gathered dandelions for me. They would pluck one and run back, pluck another, run back. I had forgotten the smell of dandelion milk. When was the last time I picked a dandelion?

- On Sunday morning, after we had endured two days of rather intense simultaneous stomach viruses (the kids barfed, SA and I just felt like a combination of first and third trimester pregnancy)(meaning: queasy, achy, exhausted and deeply, madly in love with the shower) I was sitting in the park, the Close Park, where there is no shade so you can only go there in Spring and Fall, and the sun was perfect, just warm enough, and I was sipping water from a travel mug, feeling very content to feel better than I had felt the day before, watching Trombone dangle from the monkey bars, which is not something he did the last time we were at this park and it all hit me at once.

The tumult, the gnashing of teeth, the endless repetitions, the tears, the tears, the tears; all so that our children can break that cocoon around them a little bit more, get a fist through, feel the air on The Other Side caress their skin. Slowly, surely, in seconds, by quarters of centimetres, they grow.

And every time they grow, so do I. Away from that tense, coiled ball of frustration and anger in the pit of my stomach. Toward outstretched arms, a chest lifted to the sky, my heart expanding to contain it all.

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Dear Trombone and Fresco,

Last week I got an email from my former supervisor, offering me my job back for a year while my maternity leave replacement goes on maternity leave. (Office Chair of Procreative DoomPanic strikes again.) It was unfortunate timing, as I was having One Of Those Days with you, children, and it took every ounce of strength in my cold, tired fingers to type that little word, No.

No. I will not come back to scheduled (and unscheduled) coffee breaks. No I will not come back to slack days spent surfing the great ocean of knowledge that is the Internet. No I will not be indulging in adult – if childLIKE – conversations daily, in the (relative) peace and tranquility that is public transit, in the security of a paycheque that I must then sign over to daycare that may or may not meet your needs. In the order of a desk all mine where the paperclips are where I left them yesterday and if I run out, I must order more and fill out 8 forms to do so, a telephone that I have to answer even if I don’t feel like talking to anyone, an email inbox that overflows with ridiculous requests that I must fulfill, a water cooler whose water jugs are apparently MY responsibility.

And that, children, is how you know you really hated your job. If, after almost two years not doing it, you still remember the minutae that made you want to slit your own throat with a letter opener, you really hated your job and it is not nearly time to go back to it.

Trombone, I sincerely hope that someday you get to be a Guitar RockStar, which is your greatest dream of all time. Even though sometimes you freak me out with your level of obsession with guitars, to the point where you are strumming any and all objects that find their way into your hands, even while people are talking and trying to engage you in play, I am going to encourage you because obsession + talent + encouragement = making your dreams come true, somehow, somewhere.

Fresco, it seems as though you are keen to dominate the universe. I support this as well, although I am still going to make sure you do not injure anyone in the process, including yourself. I must add that you are a skilled orator and singer and that thing you do where you cover your ears while you sing a song, sort of like in the We Are the World video, is adorable to the point of making me want to videotape you and show it to strangers in the grocery store.

But children, even if you decide you want to be professional hockey players or salesmen for colonic irrigation companies or reality TV stars, though I have my doubts that reality TV will still be around in 20 years, if it makes you smile, if it makes your heart beat faster, if it makes you want to do it at the exclusion of everything else around you, I support you. I hope for you that you need never feel, “…but it pays really well,” is a justification for spending 8 hours a day doing something that makes your skin crawl. I am lucky to know several people who found the thing – That Thing – they wanted to do and are so happy doing it they don’t even look at the pay stub. I hope you never have to look at a pay stub to make yourself feel better about the time you spent working.

As we discussed the other day, I do not get paid to look after you. From time to time I do want a pay stub to look at. Usually when you get up before 6 am. Sometimes I wish I could appeal to my union for more humane working conditions. This house smells bad sometimes. Bad enough to be toxic. But then I wasn’t specific. When I used to dream about my ideal job, I never said, gosh I hope my ideal job doesn’t involve bad smells or sleep deprivation. It’s important to be specific, kids.

I never dreamed of being a mother. I never dreamed I would be a mother. Those are two different dreams that a lot of people have. Yet this job of being your mother, your primary caregiver, fulfills so many of my dreams; the one about helping people, the one about having fun at work, the one about getting to sing as loud as I want, the one about making people laugh.

I love being your mother. It makes my heart beat faster. It makes me smile. It is as close to a dream job as I have come, so far. Which is not to say that I will not want to pursue other dreams in a (few) year(s). Right now, spending every day with you is the right thing for me.

Always & forever,
your mother.

PS: Seriously, though? Sleep till 7. Or the Christmas Elmo gets it.

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Responsible

In 24 hours, I will be the sole parent in this house. Saint Aardvark is going away for a week and I will be outnumbered by children.

If you break it down, of course, I am usually outnumbered by children. From 7 am till 6 pm, Monday to Friday, I am the sole parent. The addition of bedtime routines and possibly very early starts to the day (I usually get to sleep in until 6:15 while SA gets up at WhateverTheHellYouCallThis o-clock with one or both children) will hardly bestow on me so much more responsibility than usual.

Just now I was washing some dishes. The dishwasher is fine but sometimes I wash a few by hand, mostly because it warms up my hands. I washed some plates and some cups and I was going to leave the pots by the sink because I like to wash dishes in shifts; a few plates, a few cups, a pot. Take a break. And I guess part of my brain was thinking I would leave it for SA to wash.

Yeah, let’s be honest, that’s what that part of my brain was thinking. Then the other part of my brain spoke up. Said, oh no you don’t. He’s not going to be here for a week. You gonna leave that pot by the sink for a week?

Obviously not because I would need to use the pot before the week is up, right? But still. The job of Saint Aardvark around the house is as subtle, in ways, as mine. You know how you get in a rhythm with someone you live with. You don’t question where the garbage goes; it just does. He doesn’t question where the chips come from; they’re just there.

These are the things he does that I can think of offhand:

- brings up wine from our storage room
- takes the bottles back down
- empties the recycling and the garbage
- keeps the fridge clear of old, mouldy items
- actually dumps these items out and washes the containers, instead of just taking them out of the fridge and leaving them on the counter, which is what I would do, which is why I generally just leave them in the fridge
- grinds coffee every night
- puts my coffee on every morning and pours it for me
- makes bread
- keeps the computers running
- feeds the cat

and that’s before you even get to the children, whose diapers he is intimately involved with and to whom he reads endless stories, often with earplugs in so that he is not shattered by the exuberance of our younger child who LOVES TRAINS SQUEEEE.

Holy cats.

So I was standing at the sink, washing pots and I thought, what if one of the children gets sick this week, while he’s away. What if the child is really sick and I have to make a decision, on my own, about what to do. How horrible will that be. How stressful. Just me, in the dark, with this sick child, no second opinions.

Sure, lots of people think about these things before they even decide to have children. Not me.

It is in those small moments, hands in the suds, lump in the throat, paralyzed, that you realize how entwined you are, really, with another person. How many little gaps he fills for you, so that without him you would more closely resemble Swiss cheese than a human being.

( Baltimore, you better be nice to my SA and send him back happy and healthy. Also, he really doesn’t need too many more t-shirts with obscure geek sayings on them.)

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I consider myself photogenic in a fairly specific way. If I am captured on film doing something I enjoy, while I am actively enjoying it and am in no way aware that the camera is on me? I am pretty nice to look at. (Unless I am singing at karaoke and then I look batshit insane. Just like you do.) But any other time, it’s hit and miss. I ham it up if I know the camera is there. I have a collection of shit-eating grins I haul out for pictures. I am not very good at smiling with my eyes. My angles are kind of funny; my mouth is crooked so if you photograph me in repose I have Mean Mouth, my nose is getting bigger by the day and my hair is often unruly. Unruly like an LA riot.

To sum up: I am a creature who looks best when animated. If I were on a reality show about models, (and that is the biggest, most scornful IF you will see all day, my friends) the host would say, “In PERSON I get a model, but her film is TERRIBLE.”

Fresco has inherited this characteristic. In person, he is freaky cute. On film he looks like an angry old man. Partly this is the curse of the camera, so attractive to him that he must concentrate on catching it and eating it and cannot unfurrow his brow for one second to look adorable. But mostly I think it is just the way we are in our family. I should say, our family excluding SA and Trombone because I think they generally photograph quite well.

(The caveat here is that I take the most pictures of my kids and I am not a professional and I am using a simple point & click camera. With a real photographer, and I know there are lots of you out there, Fresco might be Canada’s cutest baby but no, actually, I think he’s just got lots of Personality and needs to be seen up close and personal to be believed. Don’t forget your earplugs, though.)

When Trombone was 3 months old we went to Sears for our first family portrait. I think we did it because we were at the mall and needed something to do and Christmas was coming. It turned out well – Trombone was young and easily amused and grinned it up nicely for the camera. Last year we sent Trombone on his own because we had to work but we wanted photos for our Christmas cards. He happened to be coming down with a really bad flu that day so the photos are kind of sad looking. There was one where he was actually crying but trying to smile through the tears. Very Liza Minelli.

This year we went with both boys and got one portrait of all of us and then a bunch of just the boys because they are way better looking than us. I think it is because they are getting full nights of sleep and we are not. Oh and because they don’t have to deal with themselves all day.

When the photographer offered us her favourite, most popular background we said sure, until she rolled it down and it was this crazy Donald Trump / Thomas Kinkade Christmas tree, all gold and green and lights and freaky ornaments – okay it doesn’t sound that weird but go to that Thomas Kinkade link (incidentally, holy shit I had no idea there was so MUCH Thomas Kinkade crap out there!) and you will see what I mean except imagine it 7 feet tall and behind you – I would bet money that in 5 more years there will be a Make-Your-Own-Blinky-Light-Christmas-Portrait with this tree in it. We shook our heads, well actually, I was all “Oh hell yes!” but SA was more, “Oh hell no!” so we went with a nice calm snowdrift background. And then the poor photographer tried to get what she would call “good” pictures of us. Classic family poses.

See, I think of the Sears Portrait (or department store portrait of your choice) as High Cheese and that is the point for me. I want us to look like us, in front of an amusing backdrop, in poses we don’t normally strike. I am muzzy on this, like the rest of my memories but way back in 199something, Sarah won a free portrait from The Bay and it was 11 x 16, mounted, and we went in the two of us and chose a painter’s dropsheet background and pulled out cans of fake paint and paint brushes from the prop box and insisted on posing with them. THAT picture will be in the Department Store Portrait Hall of Fame, right at the front door.

But the photographers who work in the studios, they have to take it seriously. Because people do, they come in with their 2 day old infants dressed in Christmas Finery and then spend half an hour blowing on them to keep them awake to capture the moment. In all seriousness. I saw it happen while I was waiting to pick up our pictures the other day.

Which is cool. I’m not dissing your baby or her pictures. It’s just not why I go to the Sears portrait studio. I do it for fun.

Now Trombone is great. He follows directions, knows how to say “STINKY” on cue to make a cute smile, yes, has a home-done haircut but whatever. He’s cute. SA and I, well, we know no one is really looking at us anyway and we are 36 and 34 respectively so we can manage to smile for 10 minutes straight and still attempt to wrangle our children. But Fresco, king of the flirts, smiliest baby of all, just stared at this photographer like she was The Satan. Would not smile. Would not laugh. Would not look at the dangly birdy. Just. Kept. Staring. Who are you and why are you shaking your HOLY CLEAVAGE! in my face?

Many poses followed. We got some we liked. Then the photographer said, OK now let’s do my favourite shot. She brings back the crazy Christmas backdrop, gets a fake glass of milk from the prop box, hands it to Trombone. She gets a fake plastic plate with chocolate chip cookies glued to it, hands it to Fresco. She gets an elbow-length Santa Claus glove, hands it to SA, tells him to put it on. SA is out of the shot but his Santa hand is in it, reaching for the cookies and milk. And I guess the kids are supposed to look at him and be all, whee it’s daddy! but on film it will look like, whee it’s Santa! I don’t know. Mr. Jay was not there to speak to the artistic vision.

First, Fresco shoves the plate in his mouth. He’s teething, you see. Then Trombone has a look at the plate and manages to pry one of the glued-on cookies off. Fresco reaches for that, too. The photographer is peeing her pants laughing because I guess she’s never photographed a baby that puts things in his mouth before; in other words it must have been her first day. We got a few shots and then put her out of her misery and left.

Even though the Sears Portrait studio will never put any of our shots on their wall for other customers to look at, to me, ours are perfect family portraits. I love them. When I look at them on my Portrait Wall (oh I am so serious) in 5 or 50 years, I will remember what everyone was like, how we all felt, that poor photographer yelping, “HEY BABY LOOK AT ME BABY!” the baby giving her his best Withering Stare and Trombone silently wishing he was back in the waiting area playing with the talking Dora the Explorer Kitchen.

Our photo session captured so many moments that accurately represent my offbeat, super animated, decidedly not picture-perfect family. And so, department store portrait studios, you will always have my heart and my money.

(This is the one where Santa was supposed to be taking the plate of cookies away. To the photographer’s surprise, we ordered two 5X7s.)

<i>You know what, Santa?  I DON'T BLOODY THINK SO.</i>

You know what, Santa? I DON'T BLOODY THINK SO.

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