We went to see “Elf” today. We went to an early matinee, the 12:05 show, which worked a treat. We had an empty parking lot to choose from and there were only 7 people in the theatre; only 4 of them were 10 year old boys. There was one nerd boy who kept trying to convince his friends, before the show, to go buy stamps with him.
“To put on letters and mail stuff!” he said, but they ignored him. I felt bad for him. He had messy hair and big glasses and he was very skinny. Someday he will be the boy of somebody’s dreams. He will be a rock star or multi-linguist. Or philatelist.
We were hungry before the movie. “No matter!” I said. “This is the theatre with the Taco Bell!”
I love Taco Bell, in part because I am from Vancouver and we don’t have as many Taco Bells here, and in part because I am disgusting. No, really. 40% of the people I know think so. But I don’t care. Bean burritos, Gorditas, Chalupas! Taco Bell does not lie and call their re-heated McCain Tater Tots “Mexi-Fries” the way Taco Time does. Taco Bell has regular, unapologetic, french fries. With goop on them; cheese product and salsa and green onions! Then they are called Fries Supreme! I will drive Far for a Taco Bell.
Of course, the best Taco Bell is in America, because you are paying in US dollars so it’s cheaper (no, no, shhh, I know about exchange rates) and because there are MORE OF THEM! Every two minutes! All along the highway! I get so excited – I don’t know why anyone in America eats anywhere else!
The other good thing about American Taco Bell is the FIRE SAUCE. In Canada -from what I’ve seen, and it’s hardly a thorough survey; I’ve never even been to the maritimes – there are two sizes of sauce: Mild and Hot. In America, there is also FIRE SAUCE! It is good. I like hot sauce and it’s pretty good for fast-food-sanctioned hot sauce. What does it say about Canadians that the powers that be think we can’t handle the FIRE SAUCE? Just because we’re further North, we like everything bland and mild? Screw you, hot sauce police! I will cross the border and I will return with my pockets full of undeclared FIRE SAUCE! I will eat it on everything and I will breathe my firey breath at you in disgust.
Anyway, one of the four Taco Bells in the greater Vancouver area is at this movie theatre, at Metrotown. So we traipse upstairs, buy our tickets for the movie and stand in front of the most confusing menu I’ve ever seen.
Taco: $1.21 (soft or hard)
Supreme Taco: $2.24 (soft or hard)
Burrito: $2.50 (soft)
Large Fries: $2.50
Fries Supreme: $3.50
Drink: $1.85
You with me? No problem. All good. What will I choose, hey, how about a combo.
Combo 1: 2 tacos (soft or hard), one order of fries, one drink, $8.50
Combo 2: 1 burrito, one drink: $5.50
Combo 3…
Hey, wait a sec…$1.21 + $1.21 + $2.00 + 1.85 = not $8.50. What kind of crack-addled…
We stand and stare for a few minutes. We stare at each other. Talking about it doesn’t make it easier. So we go back downstairs to the mall food fair and buy non-combined items from Burger King. Well – on principle is why.
Taco Bell would probably disappoint me a lot more frequently if I whipped my head out of the salsa every now & again and paid attention to all the horrible things they’re doing to children and puppies and migrant workers. But for now, I wish to retain what joy I do have. Don’t we all deserve a little ignorant joy? It’s a festive season, after all.
“Elf” was pretty funny. Since I began seeing ads, I have been inexplicably drawn to it. Saint Aardvark did not understand. He thought I was joking the first 17 times I said, “Let’s go see Elf!”
But it was a cute movie, directed by Jon Favreau, who is lovely and good and made Made also, which is a great movie. So – cute, Christmas movies don’t usually float my canoe but this one did. Off I paddle.
Saw a trailer for the big something-about-a-ring movie. Looks scary. Between the scenes near the end of the trailer, the screen (and voice-over guy) kept saying things like, “There is no security without sacrifice” and “There is no freedom without misery” and “There can be no joy without pain.” (I’m paraphrasing, here) I felt like I was being told to join the army. Well, hey, speak my language. Will you give me an endless supply of FIRE SAUCE if I join your army? Now we’re talking.